Lord of the Rings: Modernized SPOOFED Play
by amandald98
Summary: The title says all. Condensed, spoofed and modernized, this story is perfect for those of you who don't like 1000 page books. Please Read and Review!


03:39

SCENE 1: School: UC Middle Earth

Setting: Room 111

Cast: Bilbo {teacher), Hobbits {students}

Extra Info: Second trimester. English Lit. Teacher: Mr. Bilbo.

Opening Scene: Students sitting in chairs, messing with materials

Props: Chairs, Backpacks w/ school supplies

Mr. Bilbo: Good morning everyone.

Students (droning): Good morning Mr. Bilbo.

Mr. Bilbo: As you can see, I've switched rooms. Just a reminder, this is room eleventy-one, English Literature.

[_Several people check their _schedules_. One kid rushes off stage. ]_

Mr. Bilbo: For homework, you are going to read Sense and Sensibility. Oh yeah, and by the way, this is my TA, Frodo. He has the same birthday as me.

[_Several people raise eyebrows questionably {most likely thinking does the TA's Birthday really matter?} and others groan {about the HW}.]_

Mr. Bilbo: Well, it's my birthday, and I'm outta here.

[MR. BILBO_ pulls out _ring_ and puts it on. Disappears. Blackout]_

Various Hobbits: WOOHOO!

{_PART-EH!_}

END SCENE 1

DISCLAIMER: WE ARE COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY AWARE THAT THIS SCENE INCLUDES SOME BAD ENGLISH SKILLS AND USING CELL PHONES TO CONVEY CLASSIFIED INFORMATION. WE KNOW THAT MANY ENGLISH TEACHERS AND OTHERS BORN BEFORE THE TEXTING ERA WILL FREAK OUT. SO PLEASE COVER THE EYES OF OLDER PEOPLE AND OTHER GRAMMAR AND SPELLING FREAKS.

SCENE 2: Bilbo gives Gandalf a Present

Setting: Train

Cast: Bilbo, Gandalf

Extra Info: CURRENTLY NONE

Opening Scene: Gandalf alone in chair looking around {nonchalantly, as not to draw suspicion to himself}

Props: Two Xtra Large cell phones (made out of cardboard {preferably iPhones or other touch screen phone with bubble speech}), two chairs, sunglasses, and dark clothes

[GANDALF _sitting on train, looking around for _BILBO. BILBO _enters and slides into seat next to him_]

[_During conversation,_ BILBO _places a laptop bag on the table._]

Gandalf: I was wondering when you'd be back.

Bilbo: Sorry, there was a long line for the lavatory

Gandalf: Well, we might as well get on to business.

[GANDALF _takes out his cell phone._ BILBO _takes his cell phone out of the laptop bag._]

Bilbo: Why do we really need to do this?

Gandalf: Because it's classified information.

Bilbo: But-

Gandalf: No but's. I'm not going to lose my job because of your refusal to comply with policy.

Bilbo: Oh, all right.

[start texting]

gdagreyt: Wazzup

bman: nuttin much

gdagreyt: u leaving everything 2 frodo?

bman: duh

gdagreyt: incl. the ring?

bman: its on my desk…

["bman" pulls ring out of pocket…]

bman: o wait. its here

gthegreyt: give the stupid ring 2 frodo

bman: fine. i'll give u the ring. Give it 2 frodo, ok

["bman" pulls ring out again and hands to "gthegreyt"]

gthegreyt: cul8r idiot

bman: 2u2

Automated voice: NEXT STOP, SUNNY SIDE. NEXT STOP, SUNNY SIDE.

["gthegreyt" signs off. Puts ring into pocket, and stands up, b/c he has the next stop]

["bman" signs off

End Scene 2

SCENE 3: Rich place with many expensive things

Setting: Didn't you read the title?

Cast: Frodo and Gandalf

Extra Info: NONE

Opening Scene: Frodo sitting doing homework. Piles of books and papers surround him.

Props: Whiteboard, ring, mantelpiece

[Frodo is sitting]

[Gandalf enters.]

[All notes in () are Gandalf's thoughts, will be written on whiteboard]

Frodo: Has he gone? (ummm… duhhh… do you see him?)

Gandalf: Yes, he has gone (what did you think, dimwit?)

Frodo: Darn, (fool)

Gandalf: He has left you something on the mantelpiece. His legal documents are in there. Along with the ring (do I really trust such a loser w/ the ring?)

Frodo: OMG the ring?

Gandalf: Yes the ring.

Frodo: Well I gotta do my homework, bye

END SCENE 3

DISCLAIMER: SORRY TO ALL YOU LIPTON TEA FANS… WE DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW IT TASTES, BUT WE THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUNNY, SO YEAH… FRODO IS ON YOUR SIDE!

SCENE 4: Same

Setting: Same

Cast: Frodo and Gandalf

Extra Info:

Opening Scene: Same

Props: Whiteboard, ring, mantelpiece

[FRODO_ is drinking herbal tea. Notice little tea bag string hanging out of little teacup_]

[GANDALF _knocks on the door_.]

Gandalf: OPEN THE DOOR!

Frodo: Oops, I thought you were a door to door salesman, they are so annoying

Gandalf: Oh, okay

[_Insert awkward silence._]

Gandalf: Is that seriously Lipton tea you're drinking? OMG! That stuff sucks!

Frodo: Don't you dare insult my tea! It is perfectly acceptable…

[FRODO_ pauses for a moment. _FRODO_ randomly exclaims:_]

I want to turn invisible! History is killing my brain. I almost forgot who my second cousin's uncle's aunt's grandson's uncles' third cousin was!

[Neryl: According to my calculations, that was totally random, and epic fail Frodo! {stabbeth michelle w/toothpick to reboot her brain, michelle does not notice that the penguins do not appear until scene 6}!]

Frodo: Oh, yeah, and I want to be able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, x-ray vision, superstrength, superspeed, and an iPad.

Gandalf: No! You get free Apple products after five years of service, or twenty levels of clearance. Anyways, I have to tell you something

Frodo: About the ring?

Gandalf: No, your credit card bill is due.

Frodo: You work for the credit card company?

Gandalf: Duh! Being a wizard doesn't exactly pay well.

Frodo: So, about the ring...

Gandalf: Why is everyone so obsessed with the ring?

Frodo: Well…

Gandalf: Fine, which version of the Finding of the Ring did Bilbo the bumbling idiot tell you?

Frodo: Version .4

Gandalf: The one with the dragon? Or was that one the one with the turnips?

Frodo: The dragon

Gandalf: Oh.

Frodo: He was lying about the birthday present. He stole the ring from the little blue munchkin. Not very nice, but oh well.

Gandalf: Teachers are not supposed to lie

Frodo: Ditto

Gandalf: Strange, but whatevs. Keep it safe and a secret, byes.

Frodo: Bye

END OF SCENE 4

SCENE 5: Rich place with many expensive things

Setting: Same

Cast: Frodo and Gandalf

Extra Info: CURRENTLY NONE

Opening Scene: Same

Props: Candle

Gandalf: Hello old friend

Frodo: Hello- hey! I'm not old!

Gandalf: The ring is dangerous. Good night.

{Frodo is confused, blows out candle. UTTER DARKNESS!}

SCENE 5.5

Gandalf: If you use it too much to become invisible, you will fade; also the keeper of the ring does not die.

Frodo: I'm terrified of immortality! How very very very scary to never die.

Gandalf: Yep

Frodo: So…

Gandalf: Give me da ring

[FRODO _gives _GANDALF "da ring"]

[GANDALF _throws ring into_ "boiling pot of water" [pot of soapy "bubbling water"]]

[FRODO _gasps_.]

[GANDALF _motions for_ FRODO _to take ring out_.]

Frodo gasps: It's clean!

[GANDALF _slaps forehead_.]

Gandalf: Look at the inscription

Frodo: Oh,

Gandalf: Doi

[FRODO _exams inscription._]

Frodo: WTH does it say?

{note that the space is only there to avoid awkward page turns during the poem}

Gandalf:

Three rings for the Elven-kings under the sky,

Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone,

Nine for the Mortal Men doomed to die,

One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne,

In the Land of Mordor where the shadows lie,

One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,

One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them,

In the Land of Mordor where the shadows lie

Frodo: Um…okay…

Gandalf: Well there's a long boring history about all the random stuff that involves the One Ring, which you have.

Frodo: History?

Gandalf: I will not bother you about the details, but he is after the ring and you. You are in great danger.

Frodo: Who is he? And what danger?

Gandalf: It does not concern you, well, actually it does, but anyways, we have to go on a mission. The mission is called Operation R. Prepare to leave.

SCENE 6: We meet Popcorn the CSD in Front of a McDonalds

Setting: In front of McD's

Cast: Frodo, Popcorn the Creepy Stalker Dude, Butterbur, Merry, Pippin, and Sam

Extra Info:

Opening Scene: Frodo, Merry, Sam, and Pippin outside of McD's

Props: Fake Mc Donald's sign, the Ring, stuffed rat{FRODO _texting _GANDALF.

MERRY, SAM, _and_ PIPPIN _standing next to him awkwardly._ SAM _bouncing up and down like he needs to go to the bathroom.{Actually, not "like", he actually really has to go.}_]

Sam: Frodo, would you mind if we went ahead inside? I REALLY need to go to the bathroom!

Frodo: That'd be- HEY! HE STOLE MY COOKIES? WTH?- sorry, fine.

[SAM, PIPPIN, _and_ MERRY _go in_]

[FRODO _stays out there_, _absently fiddling with the _ring _[no, he was not playing the fiddle with the ring], still texting. He drops the_ ring _into the storm drain._]

Frodo: Oh, shnapperdoodles.

[POPCORN THE CREEPY STALKER DUDE _enters stage right._ FRODO_ spots _

_m, and runs up to him as _POPCORN THE CREEPY STALKER DUDE _opens the door._ ]Frodo: Excuse me, sir. I was wondering if I could have your help

[POPCORN THE CREEPY STALKER DUDE _grunts in response. {A bit of a recluse, eh?[eh? What's that supposed to mean? (I know what it means, but it's sort of random, but me likeys __ )]}… _

_[Closes door and _FRODO _leads him to storm drain. _]

Frodo: You see, sir, I just dropped the most powerful ring in the world down that storm drain. I was hoping you could- AUGGH! A RAT ATE THE BLEEPING RING![POPCORN THE CREEPY STALKER DUDE _shakes his head slowly, realizing how stupid today's youth is… _]

Popcorn the Creepy Stalker Dude: You realize that your careless actions have led to a much worse consequence. The ring can show up in any vending machine across America. If you're lucky, it will be right inside here [motions towards McD's]. If you're not, the President may find it in his sock drawer (don't ask how that happened, bad experience).

Frodo: OMGeeeeeeeeeee! (dissolves into hysteria)

Popcorn the Creepy Stalker Dude: You haven't improved much since I last stalk- saw you.[said as if talking to a small child- emphasis on inside and look] We need to go inside the Mc Donald's and look.

Frodo: Oh! You're right!

[FRODO _runs to the door and throws open the door,_ _slamming_ POPCORN THE CREEPY STALKER DUDE _in the face._ POPCORN THE CREEPY STALKER DUDE _mutters a few expletives {LANGUAGE peoples!} and rubs his face, then continues inside. _]

SCENE 7: Inside Mc Donald's

Setting: {Old} McDonald's {farm}

Cast: PCSD, Frodo, Sam, Pippin, Merry, Butterbur, child, mother, random extras

Extra Info: People are not chatting silently, they are chatting quietly!

Opening Scene: Inside McD's

Props: Chairs, tables, vending machine, ring, plastic capsule thing

[_People at tables, chatting silently._ BOY _standing upstage, in front of one of those short vending machines that have cheap toys._ ]

[BOY _runs offstage shouting:_]

Boy: MOMMY, I WANT A TOY!

[BOY _re-enters with _quarter_._]

[BOY _puts _quarter_ in. Reaches into box to pull_ _out_ plastic capsule _with_ ring.]

Boy: What's this?

[FRODO runs in, POPCORN THE CREEPY STALKER DUDE on his tail.]

Frodo: Excuse me, little boy. Might I have a look at that ring?

Boy: Uh, okay…

[FRODO _examines the_ ring. _Pumps his fist into the air at having found the_ ring.]

Frodo: Thank you, little boy. I am wondering if I can keep the ring. I would pay you for it, of course {this past sentence was done while spinning in a chair}. Would $5 be OK?

Boy: NO!

[FRODO _pulls out a _five dollar bill _and hands it to him_. FRODO_ puts _ring_ in his pocket._]

Frodo: Thank you again, little boy

Boy: {expression indicates that was the rudest thing ever}

[FRODO _walks over to _POPCORN THE CREEPY STALKER DUDE.]

[BOY _is seen trying to use _$5 bill_ on vending machine._]

[Boy is frustrated an exits.]

Frodo: I found it!

Popcorn the Creepy Stalker Dude: [grumbling] Beginners' luck.

Frodo: Thank you for your help, sir. I think I will order now. Have a nice day!

Popcorn: Or not…

{Sort of an emo too (this is where "eh?" is usually found)}

END SCENE 7

SCENE 8: Still at McD's

Setting: Same

Cast: Butterbur, Popcorn the Creepy Stalker Dude, Frodo, random people

Extra Info: Boy has left {repeat, boy has left}

Opening Scene: Same

Props: Counter, etc.

[FRODO _walks over to the counter, where_ BUTTERBUR _is currently the cashier. _POPCORN THE CREEPY STALKER DUDE _runs over to him._]

Popcorn the Creepy Stalker Dude: Dude, not so fast, Frodo. [_grabs his arm_]

Frodo: I don't recall giving you my name, what do you want?

Popcorn the Creepy Stalker Dude: I have something to discuss with you. I'm going to text you.

Frodo: Wait… Let me order my food and then I need to ask you some questions.

Frodo to waiter: Can I have the Big Mac with a soda and fries?

Butterbur: Sure. That'll be $5.70

[FRODO _pulls out his _debit card_ out and hands it to_ BUTTERBUR. BUTTERBUR _swipes _debit card _and hands it back._]

Butterbur: Thank you. Your order will be ready in a moment.

END SCENE 8

LOTR SCENE 9: ethay enescay inay igpay atinlay (ailfay)

JKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!

At the Table

Cast: Frodo, Popcorn the Creepy Stalker Dude, random peoples

Extra Info:

Opening Scene: At the table.

Props: table, two chairs, XXXXXL cell phones, food

[POPCORN THE CREEPY STALKER DUDE _and _FRODO _take out _cell phones.]

[POPCORN THE CREEPY STALKER DUDE _texts_ FRODO.]

Frodo: How did you get my number?

K1ngarag0rn: cia, duh idiot

fr0d0: o

k1ngarag0rn: so can i talk 2 u l8r

fr0d0: where

k1ngarag0rn: ur hotel where is it

Fr0d0: 4 seasons across from here

K1ngarag0rn: cool. I'll ttyl

["k1ngarag0rn" has signed out]

["fr0d0" has signed out]

Popcorn the Creepy Stalker Dude: So when can I come over?

Frodo: Just get it over and done with… hmmm… how about tonight? You can come with us as soon as the gang has finished eating.

Popcorn the Creepy Stalker Dude: That sounds great!

[PIPPIN, SAM, MERRY, and ETC. _come over._]

Merry: Hey Frodo! Who's this?

Frodo: This is a person who claims to have known me previously… What IS your name, anyways?

Popcorn the Creepy Stalker Dude: My full name is Popcornius Butter Aragorn Dunedain…

[ALL _laugh except _POPCORN.]

Popcorn the Creepy Stalker Dude: … I know… my dad had a thing for popcorn. And- HEY! IT'S NOT THAT FUNNY!

[_awkward silence as all the_ CUSTOMERS _turn to stare at_ POPCORN THE CREEPY STALKER DUDE]

Popcorn the Creepy Stalker Dude (whispering now): And besides, what kind of name is FRODO?

Frodo: Ummm… Well…

Popcorn the Creepy Stalker Dude: Spill, Frodo. Or I'll just check with the CIA…

Frodo: Well… My full name is Frodo Matthias Baggins…

[POPCORN THE CREEPY STALKER DUDE _laughs as if it's the funniest thing ever_]

Popcorn the Creepy Stalker Dude (gasping): And [hahah] they say my [haha] name is bad… [_doubles over in laughter again_]

[_Another awkward silence_]

Frodo: Well, if you guys are done eating, we should probably get going…

Pippin: Sounds like a plan.

END SCENE 9

SCENE 10: In which Popcorn FAILS and Frodo gets a letter

Setting: Hotel Room

Cast: Frodo, Popcorn the Creepy Stalker Dude, Merry, Sam, Pippin

Extra Info:

Opening Scene: People sitting around

Props: A couple chairs, perhaps a fake couch or bed, laptop

[FRODO and POPCORN THE CREEPY STALKER DUDE sitting in the chairs. MERRY, PIPPIN, _and_ SAM _playing a game of cards off to the side. Occasional exclamations coming from the group_]

Frodo: So, what did you want to talk to me about?

Popcorn the Creepy Stalker Dude: I was wondering if I could tag along with you guys for a little bit while you're on your mission.

[Merry: HA! BEAT THAT!]

Frodo: Why the heck would we do that? I don't see any point in it.

Popcorn the Creepy Stalker Dude: Well, I could help you. Young operatives often need guidance.

[Pippin: I WON!]

Frodo: HEY! I'm not all that young! I'm turning 22 in two weeks!

Popcorn the Creepy Stalker Dude: All the more reason to stick with you. I-

[Frodo's laptop _pings. {PING!}_]

Frodo: I'm sorry… I think I'll have to get this.

[FRODO _opens up the mail application._]

From:

To:

Hey Frodo-

I've heard some bad news and have to leave immediately. You might meet Popcornius on the road. He can help you. Go to Rivendell Mall… I hope I can meet you there. If I don't come, go to the Red Mango Yogurt Shop. There should be a guy named Elrond there… He can help you.

G

Frodo: Guys! I think we should probably leave tomorrow for-  
Pippin: Wait, what? I haven't been to the skateboard shop yet, and you're going to drag us across the country AGAIN? Um, no.  
Frodo: But-  
Sam: I saw some cool froyo places that are legendary, man, legendary. Nuh-uh, we're staying put.  
Merry: And there was a new Hot Topic [yes, Merry is going to be a girl... creative license, ppl] that sounds awesome. Two words: SODA. BAR.  
Frodo: Yes, yes. But Gandalf- [Poporn the Creepy Stalker Dude laughs]-SHUT UP- told me to go to Rivendell Mall, and I'm pretty sure that'll be just as good.  
All except Frodo and Popcorn the Creepy Stalker Dude: No!  
Frodo: I heard there's a place called Red Mango and-  
Sam: OMGEEE! You did not just say that. Red. Mango. OMGEEE! It's only the awesomest froyo place in the WORLD! WE NEED TO GO THERE.  
Pippin: Don't go to the Dark Side, Sam!

[random penguin says: Come to the dark side, we have cookies! Other penguin says: Don't listen, the Dark Side is lying about the cookies Random penguin: Well what do you expect from the Dark Side?]  
Frodo: Oh, and by the way I heard there's a 10 story Abercrombie and Fitch across the-  
Merry: Sold.  
Frodo: There's also a Nintendo store that's having a clearance sale right now...  
Pippin: Alright, but only for the video games.

[PIPPING, MERRY,_ and_ SAM _start a new game_.]

Popcorn the Creepy Stalker Dude: So…about my offer.

Frodo: Heck no!

Popcorn the Creepy Stalker Dude: Gandalf insisted.

Frodo: Yeah…wait…you know Gandalf?

Popcorn the Creepy Stalker Dude: Everyone knows Gandalf, but, yeah, we've been friends for, oh, let's see, maybe 80 years

Frodo: Oh- wait, wait, [don't tell me, the NPR News Quiz] you're immortal?

Popcorn: No, I'm just really old

Legato: Yeah, he needs a LOT of birthday candles

Frodo: Oh…

END SCENE 10

SCENE 10: Hiking

Setting: Bob's house, Just Kidding, hiking

Cast: Frodo, Popcorn the Creepy Stalker Dude, Merry, Sam, Pippin

Extra Info:

Opening Scene: Peeps hiking

Props: Knife [rubber], various weapons

Merry: This is NOT what you said. You said we were going to the mall.

Frodo: Hey, don't blame me.

Popcorn the Creepy Stalker Dude: Miscalculation.

[INSERT_PENGUIN_GPS_SCENE]

Merry: Where's Gandalf?

Popcorn the Creepy Stalker Dude: IDK

[POPCORN THE CREEPY STALKER DUDE _picks up_ Gandalf's Business Card.]

Popcorn the Creepy Stalker Dude: He's been here already.

Merry: Are we there yet?

Popcorn the Creepy Stalker Dude: No, we still have a long distance to cover. Maybe another 12 hours.

Frodo: 12 hours! Is it just me, or are there people over there?

[POPCORN THE CREEPY STALKER DUDE _pushes everyone down. Ow! You made me chip my nail! Etc._]

[_They crawl forward._]

Popcorn the Creepy Stalker Dude: Ooh! Shiny, [_he picks up something shiny and puts it in his pocket_] We must-

Merry: Can't we take a taxi or something?

Popcorn the Creepy Stalker Dude: No, we must take the little path through the woods.

Frodo: What woods?

Popcorn the Creepy Stalker Dude: There's no woods? Where are the trees when you need them? Anyways, we have to hide

Merry: I think I see the Black Riders coming.

Popcorn the Creepy Stalker Dude: Thank you for stating the obvious. Get your pencils, the en-

[BLACK RIDERS _come_.]

[FRODO _slips on the happy face_ ring.]

[_Everyone except_ POPCORN THE CREEPY STALKER DUDE _and the_ BLACK RIDERS _laugh hysterically,_ FRODO _says hey!_]

[FRODO f_aints_.]

Sam: Hey- does anyone think maybe it's more than a coincidence that we meet a creepy stalker dude at McD's and the Enemy appears?

Popcorn the Creepy Stalker Dude: No, I don't know why they're here. They must have bugged us.

Neryl: According to my calculations, the easiest place to put a tracking device is…on the bottom of someone's shoe.

[Fermata randomly takes a shoe out of Frodo's backpack.]

Fermata: Look! Here's the tracking device! [Peels something off bottom of shoe and holds it up for all to see.]

Merry: EW! I HATE bugs!

[MERRY _takes out a bottle of _bug repellent_._]

[POPOCORN THE CREEPY STALKER DUDE _and_ SAM _argue_ _inaudibly_.]

[FRODO _is_ _stabbed_ _while_ POPCORN THE CREEPY STALKER DUDE _and_ SAM _continue to argue inaudibly_.]

[AAHH! Ack *cough cough* agh ack ah… screams Frodo]

SCENE 11.5

Frodo: Where is the pale penguin…who took my ukelele?

Sam: YAY! You're awake.

[FRODO _faints again_]

[SAM _bursts into fake tears_.]

Popcorn the Creepy Stalker Dude: Do not be sad, I must go for awhile, keep him warm, and make sure he drinks his Tylenol!

Sam: *sniff sniff*

[POPCORN _returns._]

Popcorn the Creepy Stalker Dude: Look! I found a random magic herb!

Neryl: Actually, it's called _athelas _or _kingsfoil _or-

Popcorn: Shut up

[POPCORN THE CREEPY STALKER DUDE _gives_ FRODO _a_ _band-aid_.]

Sam: Uh…the herb?

Popcorn the Creepy Stalker Dude: Oh…right.

Sam: What are you doing?

Popcorn: I have absolutely no idea.

Pippin: It's a good thing I always carry this with me!

[PIPPIN _pulls out_ Mythical Herbal Medicine for Dummies _and starts to flip through it, muttering to himself, and taking an extremely long amount oftime. Everyone looks at their watches, act bored, random jeopardy music and tick of clock sound in background._]

[MERRY _rolls her eyes and shakes her head_.]

Merry: Guys

[MERRY _rips up leaves, and gives to the_ PENGUINS. _The _PENGUINS _put it in an_ Altoid box _and shake it around. The_ penguins _take out a _pill [M&M] _and give it to _MERRY, _who gives it to_ POPCORN. POPCORN _makes_ FRODO _eat it._ [_More accurately,_ FRODO _miraculously recovers and grabs _M&M _from POPCORN_.]

END SCENE 11

SCENE 12: [CLASSIFIED]

Setting: [CLASSIFIED] the most we can say is somewhere in Northern California  
Cast: Gandalf, Elrond, Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pippin and all the other peeps

Extra Info:

Opening Scene: Frodo waking up  
Props: Bed, chair, various spy gadgets, giant sign that says "CIA HQ: N. CA Ch."

[FRODO wakes up.]  
Frodo: Wha...?  
Sam: Yay he's awake!  
[ENTER_PENGUIN_GANDALF_SCENE]  
Frodo: YAY! Gandalf!  
Gandalf: Yep, it's me.  
Frodo: What happened?  
Gandalf: Sam and Popcorn argued, you got stabbed, Merry tried to call 911, but there wasn't any reception.  
[PENGUINS _make annoyed noises. _GANDALF _ignores them. _]  
Gandalf: Did you see me throw that awesome ninja star snowflake thingy? It almost hit the Enemy.  
Frodo: Really?  
Gandalf: Sort of…anyways, you need rest.  
[_Insert Time Skip see penguin mini-scene the next day_]  
[SAM _enters._]  
Frodo: Hullo Sam!  
Sam: YAY! You're alive!  
[FRODO _gets up and walks around the room, stopping next to the HQ Poster._]  
Frodo: Where am I?

Sam: -.-

[SAM_ points at the poster behind _FRODO.]

Frodo: I knew that.

Sam: This is also known as the House of Elrond.

Frodo: What's that?

Sam: It's a safehouse, and also the headquarters of the CA chapter... You'll meet the upkeeper, Elrond, once we go in for briefing.

END SCENE 12

SCENE 13: The CIA gets a little loud

Setting: [CLASSIFIED]

Cast: Frodo, Gandalf, PCSD, Elrond, Glóin, Boromir

Extra Info: Not really, there's two silences in here

Opening Scene: People sitting in mult. chairs around a conference table-like table

Props: Mult. Chairs around a conference table-like table

Elrond: Order! Order!

[everyone quiets down]

Elrond: We need to make this brief, so-

[PENGUINS _cut in front, carrying the_ duplicator thingy _in the_ wagon]

Popcorn (to penguins): Get OUT of here!

[BOROMIR _walks in_.]

Staccato: Excuse me sir, you need to show your ID badge.

[BOROMIR _has an expression on face that sort of looks like o.0" {equal to you're kidding right?}_]

Elrond: May I introduce... {drumroll, please} Boromir!

[silence]

[Penguins and Boromir arguing over security protocol.]

[Insert awkward silence.]

Elrond: Let's get down to business {.com/watch?v=3Xj08-_Rmq4&feature=youtube_gdata_player}. I believe we have a speaker named Glóin?...

[GLÓIN _steps up to_ podum.]

Glóin: Hi everyone. I'm here to talk about some incidents in sector 653, code name Moria.

[A few murmurs and gasps]

Frodo: What's Moria?

[Penguins unscroll map, take out magnifying glass, and point at place on map.]

Fermata: Ancient Dwarf Region Sector 653, commonly known as Moria, the name Moria comes from Sindarin and means Black Chasm, _mor_ means black and _iâ_ means void, abyss, pit. Sindarin is a secret code language used by the Elven Chapter of the CIA in the 3rd Decade.

Frodo: Oh, you should've just said that then,

Glóin: It used to be that we would get great reports from there… But then they all stopped. It was rather strange. Then a man appears at our chapter's building. HE rode up in a limo, and wanted the thief of the ring captured. He also wanted a small ring that he said of was of no importance.

[INSERT_PENGUIN_RUBBER_FISH_SCENE]

Glóin: We wanted the advice of this chapter because the Shadow draws nearer. The Kraft factory in Ohio has been threatened, and may fall to the Cheez Whiz haters. We don't know anything about the ring except that Sauron wants it, and that it looks cheap and fake.

Elrond: You are doing as well as you can for now. To skip all the randomness involving the rings, you should read the papers my secretary is handing out.

[SECRETARY _hands out papers, exits stage._]

Glóin: I also got a very mysterious text, saying:

Seek for the Toothpick that was broken

[penguins burst out laughing]

In Imladris it dwells;

There shall be counsels taken

Stronger than Morgul –spells.

There shall be shown a token

That doom is near at hand,

For Isildur's Bane shall waken,

And the Halfling forth shall stand.

Elrond: So I actually have the toothpick that was broken… It's rather large, just FYI…

[ELROND _grabs ginormous toothpick_.

Everyone else: OMG! Wow! (etc.)

Legato: Just another FYI, the toothpick travels with the high level clearance ID card, used by the holder of the toothpick to prove that he indeed is the holder of the toothpick, the ID card is currently with our esteemed dummy here, Popcorn the Creepy Stalker Dude, more commonly known as strider, due to his love to those little insects that walk on water.

Frodo: Wait a second… That means the ring belongs to you!

Popcorn the Creepy Stalker Dude: It doesn't belong to either of us, but you get to hold onto it for a bit.

Gandalf: Take it out, Frodo.

[FRODO _takes it out_. PENGUINS _snicker again_.]

Popcorn: Go play with your fish collection or something.

Fermata: FYI, the toothpick did not break when the our esteemed agent Elendil fell...

Legato interrupts: off

Fermata: the roof

Neryl: And according to my observations, I just ate our only rubber fish in our fish collection.

PLEASE NOTE: THIS SCENE HAS SOME INTENDED VIOLENCE AND SOME HOSTILITY BETWEEN CHARACTERS. PLEASE DON'T LET LITTLE KIDS SEE THIS IF YOU DON'T WANT THEM SCARRED FOR LIFE.

SCENE 13.5: More COE

Setting: Same

Cast: Same

Extra Info: Same

Opening Scene: N/A

Props: Same

Frodo (randomly): _All that is gold does not glitter_

_Not all who wander are lost;_

_The old that is strong does not wither,_

_Deep roots are not reached by the frost._

_From the ashes a fire shall be woken,_

_A light from shadows shall spring;_

_Renewed shall be blade that was broken:_

_The crownless again shall be king_

Fermata: It actually broke when Sauron accidentally stepped on it at a cocktail party.

Popcorn: GET OUTTA HERE!

[PENGUINS _grab _Popcorn's _knitting__ and exit the _stage.]

[POPCORN _gets up as if to follow the _PENGUINS _then changes his mind and sits down again_.]

[GLÓIN _sits down and picks up a piece of paper_.]

Elrond: Now…

[ELROND _glances up at the clock._]

We're out of time, I-

Gandalf: Objection! Objection! Right from the first line, your poem fails: of COURSE not all gold glitters. That's why people clean the stuff-

Neryl: According to my calculations, the element Aurum does not always glitter…However it's super shiny when-

Gandalf: -anyways, onto the second line: according to the dictionary, wandering is to go about from place to place aimlessly…

[Neryl flips around in the dictionary frantically.]

Neryl: That is correct.

Gandalf: Neryl, if you don't-

[Gandalf starts to walk toward Neryl threateningly. Popcorn steps in front of Gandalf to prevent physical contact, then seems to think about it, and decides Neryl is annoying enough to feel the wrath of Gandalf.]

Elrond: ORDER! ORDER!

[bangs judges' gavel on the table]

Gandalf moves back to his seat, annoyed.]

Gandalf: Third to fourth line: who thinks of these poems, anyways?

Frodo: Well, excuse me, but I had to do this for an English Lit. project.

Gandalf (muttering): You probably got a horrible grade on it…

Popcorn: Hey, it's a poem about ME. So, go on insulting ME.

Frodo: It is? Oh yeah, it is.

Gandalf (back to normal voice): Ok, ummm…Right, for the fifth line, we use these things called _flashlights_ today.

Neryl: According to my calculations, approximately 83.304653% of the population still uses candles...and about 95% of the USA uses birthday candles.

Gandalf: As for the sixth line, I hope you mean an LED or CFL…Incandescents waste SOO much energy. And the seventh line, it's a toothpick, not a sword. Eighth line, we have a government that's called a DEMOCRACY (NO KING!) Although I guess there is a Burger King, but no one has seen him in YEARS.

Fermata (interrupts): [popcorn] I saw hi-[popcorn]-m yesterday, he [popcorn] was at McD's [popcorn] to check the com[popcorn]petition, he said he [popcorn] would give me a free [popcorn] gift card if I stopped [popcorn] going to McD's.

Legato: Me too! 

Gandalf (ignores penguins): Oh and-

Frodo: Are you done yet? And I'll have you know that I got an A+++++++++ on that poem. Hmph

Gandalf: -your credit card bill is WAY overdue. I asked you about it last week.

Frodo: Oh yeah…

Gandalf: By the way, the grand total, with late charges, is now one dollar and two cents, plus an overdue charge of twenty three and a half cents. Coming to a total of one dollar, twenty five and a half cents.

Frodo: *gasp*

[Frodo faints]

Popcorn(bored, he's done this before): Get the smelling salts, please.

Secretary: Which ones?

[opens cabinet to reveal lots of SS]

Popcorn the Creepy Stalker Dude: The casu frazigu ones. He won't wake up to anything else.

[Penguins make retching noises, they know what CF is.]

Elrond: Order! Order! [bangs gavel] we have some urgent matters of business to discuss.

[Everyone is bored to death already.]

Sam: Can you do the Spark or Cliff Notes version? I'm getting hungry.

[Sam exits in search of food]

Elrond: We will be done shortly. I have come to the executive decision tha we need to send some agents to Moria.

[gasps, etc.]

[Frodo, who has been attended to by the secretary with the smelling salts, suddenly wakes up.]

[Everyone gags at the smell of the CF.]

Frodo (randomly): Cheeseburgers in paradise!

Fermata: Heaven on earth with an onion slice…

Popcorn: FERMATA!

Frodo: Long live the Burger King!

[Cue Elrond and others to sing spy version of COTW]

Elrond: OK, OK, now we REALLY need to settle down. We need more agents to go on mission 1-964A: Operation Moria. Any volunteers?

. Volunteers? Remember, this will bring your clearance up to at least Level 9.

[FRODO _raises hand._]

Elrond: Yes, Frodo?

Frodo: I have the ring, so I guess I should probably go…

[SAM _barges in with froyo._]

Sam: But surely you can't let him go alone?

Elrond: Along with you, Sam, we have four other agents and Frodo-

Sam: But I didn't sign up!

Elrond: Well, you practically volunteered yourself. I need to go to the store for froyo, 'cause for some reason, someone ate all my- our froyo.

[Everyone looks at Sam.]

Sam: What? I only ate…one two three four…twenty gallons of it.

Penguins: Nuh-uh-uh

Elrond: Oh yeah, please read the paper and shred it on the way out.

[PENGUINS _set up _box labeled shredding machine_ and _EVERYONE _places their paper in the slot._]

END SCENE 13

Scene 14: Introducing the Lego dude

Setting: The N CA Ch Lego Room

Cast: Merry, Sam, Penguins, Frodo, and of course, Legolas

Extra Info: Frodo meets Legolas, Sam has another smoothie, Frodo gets all I'm not worthy on Legolas, aka the usual

Opening Scene: Legolas in the N CA Ch Lego Room

Props: As many Lego sets as possible

[FRODO _enters the room_.]

Frodo: O0O: Whoah! Lego heaven…

[LEGOLAS _opens his mouth to speak._]

Neryl: According to my calculations, this is the CIA Elven Chapter's Lego Central Command Room

Frodo: OMG! How the heck did they get this many Legos?

Fermata: Inside connections

[FRODO'S _confused._]

Legolas: aka me! Lego Master!

[SAM _enters holding a _smoothie_._]

[SAM _sips his_ smoothie, _then stares at_ LEGOLAS. _His mouth opens, and he almost drops his_ smoothie.]

Sam: Dude, don't you have, like, level 20 clearance?

Frodo: OMGeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

[FRODO freaks _out and goes all "I'm not worthy" on LEGOLAS.{Isn't that sort of sacrilegious? Sort of like idol worship?}_]

Legolas: Cut it out

Frodo: Of course, of course, but level 20…

Sam: Dude, Frodo, you're flipping out.

Legolas: You're telling me!

[FRODO _seems a little bit dizzy._]

Sam: Go downstairs to the café and get a smoothie, their smoothies are incredible. Dude, I bet they're even better than the Red Mango's!

Frodo: I'm fine, I'm fine, but level 20…

[FRODO _gets all dizzy again_.]

Sam: Frodo…

[FRODO _shakes his head as if to clear it_.]

Frodo: I'm fine really, I'm fine. But…

Sam: NO! Don't say it!

Frodo: Okay…

Legolas: Oh yeah, by the way, I'm joining you on the mission.

Frodo: More people?

Legolas: Yeah.

Frodo: Why?

Sam: Dude, he's like, Lego extraordinaire with extensive high clearance information, plus he's fluent in the Elven Code

Frodo: Popcorn has high level clearance too…

Sam: Like he's going to share it with anyone. I need to go get another smoothie and a froyo.

END SCENE 14

SCENE 15: After lunch

Cast: same

Props: same

Elrond: Okay, volunteers.

Merry & Pippin: ME! ME! ME!

Elrond: Alright, you can go. And of course…

[Popcorn, Boromir and Gandalf stand.]

Legolas: It's been forever since I got a field mission.

Elrond: Yes, yes, fine.

Gimli: And me…

Legolas: NO! Not _HIM_!

Elrond: Okay, the 9 have been fulfilled. You leave in two weeks.

[cheering b/c WE FINISHED COE!]

End SCENE 15

Scene 16: They leave Elrond { to the packs of random Mafia spies}

Cast: Same

Props: Giant Rubber Chicken and Same yada yada yada

[In CIA CA Ch. HQ. Packing up.]

Frodo(sniffing): You guys didn't like my poems.

Gandalf: Of course we don't. A one month old baby could write poems better than you.

Frodo: I resent that.

[Popcorn sitting with heads in hand, I mean hand in heads, I mean head in hands, elbows on knees. Penguins randomly running around, creating chaos.]

Popcorn(to penguins): Go away before I smack you.

[Penguins run off to throw random giant rubber chicken at Popcorn the Creepy Stalker Dude.]

[Frodo is still sniffling{a weakling}. General commotion from students.]

Sam: There's some random rubber chickens in here… Um… Ten boxes, I might add…actually I will add…there's ten boxes of rubber chickens here.

[Penguins dump 9 ¾ [Platform 9 ¾!] boxes on Popcorn]

Sam: HEY! He [pippin] stole my track shoes!

[Legolas rolls eyes.]

Legolas(English accent): Bloody idiots.

[Everyone stares at Legolas.]

Frodo: Just out of curiosity, did you come from England?

Legolas (in Indian accent): No, I come from India. Seriously what do you think?

Frodo(completely oblivious of the sarcasm): I did not realize you came from India.

Legolas(rolling eyes AGAIN, accent=Dutch): Frodo, you know I actually come from Denmark, ja?

Frodo: Umm…

Legolas(Transylvania): Zat's vhat's called SARCASM.

Popcorn: Yes, I agree completely. Now chop, chop, people!

Mixed voices: Where's the knife? I want to cut !

END SCENE 16

Scene 17: On the Road [inside the intellimobile-like thingamajig]

Cast: Same – Elrond= Frodo, Gimli, Penguins, Popcorn, Sam, Merry, Pippin, Legolas, Gandalf

Props: High-tech stuff

[Loud classical music blares. Popcorn driving. Penguins choosing to listen to .com/watch?v=s9kwb2xjiu0 {It's the only penguin related song I can find}]

Merry: Can you please change it to rock? This is killing my brain. Preferably some Justin *Beep*er.

Popcorn: NO! The last time {Merry starts furiously typing at laptop in back of seat. (She's hacking)} you chose a station, we listened to 'Baby' for hours on end, and I couldn't hear for days afterwards. I would rather lose my hearing working for the CIA, not listening to some girl's music selection.

Gandalf: I'd like to listen to the "Broadways' Top 100" album.

Popcorn: Sure.

[Gandalf changes CD.]

[Broadway music fills the car.]

[Penguins turn off iPod and start singing to the music.]

[Sam snoring loudly. Frodo trying to drown out the music and Legolas's endless talk about the various Lego contests he won.]

[Music changes to "River flows in you"]

[Penguins freak. Go back to their iPod.]

[Legolas continues yakking on.]

Legolas: And then I won the big one in Milpitas… The judges liked my model of the Saturn rocket. I still have the trophy… [yadda yadda yadda]

Frodo: Shut up, will you. I have no need for incessant talking of Legos. I must work on my ENGLISH LITERATURE PROJECT CONCVERNING THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE FICTIONAL CASU FRAGIZU AND THE REAL CASU MARZU CHEESE!

[It slowly dawns Popcorn and Gandalf what the music is.]

Popcorn: Isn't this…

Gandalf: River flows in you?

Popcorn: By Yiruma?

Gandalf: CHANGE THE CD!

[Hideous sound comes from the engine. Popcorn pulls over, sighs loudly.

Popcorn the Creepy Stalker Dude: I knew I shouldn't have taken the minibus. Wait one second, guys, I need to look under the hood.]

[Merry is mad, she is NOT a guy.]

[Insert timeskip.]

Popcorn: I have no idea what the problem is. I'm going to call the CIA roadside repair crew.

[Popcorn pulls out phone.]

Merry: You know, it's because one of the wires under the hood froze over from the coolant prototype.

Popcorn(rolls eyes): Sure, like you would know anything about cars.

[Popcorn continues tinkering with car. [tink tink tink Tinkerbell! {sorry, randomness}]

[Insert timeskip]

Popcorn: I found the problem, one of the wires froze over from the collant prototype. I thawed it out and replaced the coolant.

[Merry has been listening to "River flows in You" fifty-four and a quarter times.]

END SCENE 17

SCENE 18: Near Moria

Cast: Same

Props: Backpacks filled with paraphernalia

Sam: I'm hungry! Can we stop for lunch? Why did we have to abandon the van?

Popcorn the Creepy Stalker Dude: We didn't _abandon_ it, we let it drive itself back to the HQ.

Sam (under breath): I coulda gone with it…

Gandalf: Quiet! We are looking for the Most Holey Shrine to the Cheez Wiz. It should be around here somewhere…If the camou's still working after all these years…

Merry: And you confiscated our music too!

[Popcorn starts to cough uncontrollably.]

Pippin: What's wrong?

Popcorn: I'm highly allergic to poof dust.

Penguins (randomly): Cool! Another way to annoy Popcorn the Creepy Stalker Dude.

Frodo (who until now has been lagging behind and not said a word, mostly because Legolas has been rambling on and on and on.): What's that mean?

Boromir: There are trolls around here…

Frodo: Trolls? Where? Here? Agh! (dissolves into hysteria)

Boromir: …

Popcorn (trying to down some kind of pill [a jellybean]): Cave _and _mountain trolls reside here, (looks relatively unconcerned, seems more concerned with the fact Merry is looking for a docking station for her iPod)

Popcorn: Let's keep moving. We don't want to be caught by any trolls.

END SCENE 18

Scene 19: In Moria

Cast: FotR+Troll+Nasty Nazguls

Props: Oreos…JK [INFORMATION HIGHLY CLASSIFIED]

Popcorn: Aiyiyi! Does this ever end?

Gandalf: No. It takes roughly an eternity to get through here.

Popcorn: Cool, stuck forever in a Troll Region.

[They come to a building w/ a sign that says THE MOST HOLEY SHRINE TO THE CHEEZ WIZ FACTORY]

{They enter}

{The shrine is broken and random Cheez wiz is sprayed everywhere.}

Legolas(in irritated Transylvanian accent): Someone go look and see vhat is making zat racket.

Frodo: Are you a vampire?

[Legolas ignores Frodo.]

{Boromir sticks his head out the door}

Boromir {bored}: They have a cave troll?

Pippin: Really?

Boromir: Go see for yourself.

{Students stick heads out door.}

Students: Oooooh. Ahhhhhh.

Frodo: Dude! It's alive!

[Troll moves.]

Troll: Hi!

Legolas: Hi!

Everybody: Hi!

Legolas: Didn't I meet you in a Lego tournament back in Chicago? The one where we had to make a replica of New York City in a week?

Troll: Yeah, and remember the statue of liberty?

Legolas: YEAH! The SOL was impossible.

Troll: Especially the torch.

Legolas: Who knew the Lego company didn't make SOL Lego sets? They seem to make everything else.

Troll: Yep, and the Empire State Building. The Twin Tower's windows were hard.

Frodo: I thought the Twin Towers got destroyed.

Troll: This was before. By the way, you do know that I'm the bad guy right.

Legolas: Oh yeah, I knew that.

Popcorn: Obviously.

Gandalf: Duh.

Neryl: According to my calculations, there is a gang of motorcyclists coming toward us at…fifty-seven point nine two four mph.

{Random penguin sticks his head out the door. Holds up speed gauge.}

Penguin: That is correct.

{Orc gang busts in}

{Chaos ensues.}

END SCENE 19

Scene 20: In which Gandalf falls off the Golden Gate bridge, Frodo finally uses some common sense, Popcorn and Gandalf procrastinate, and we go to an odd sort of opera. [quote Winnie the Pooh]

Cast: Balrog, Gandalf, other peeps.

Props: Whipped cream, toothpick

Gandalf: We're here!

Popcorn the Creepy Stalker Dude: Why the Hecate did you take us to the Golden Gate Bridge?

Merry: Hey, don't bring Greek mythology into this.

Gandalf: A bit of sight-seeing.

Frodo: We're on an important mission and you're taking us SIGHT-SEEING?

Popcorn: Oooooh…Pretty!

Balrog: Me kill Gandalf. Me eat him. Gandalf go bye bye. Yum yum.

Gandalf (heroically): YOU MAY NOT PASS!

Balrog: Me make Gandalf go bye-bye.

Popcorn: I'm with you Gandalf. {Jeopardy song randomly starts playing}

Balrog: Wait…me must consult book of human language…what be twelve moons?

Sam: It's the twenty-first century.

Balrog: Hmm…me book only has twentieth century.

Boromir: For all that is high and mighty in the golden city of Mina

Legolas: Shut up…go and sit in a corner.

Boromir: -s Tirith…I am behind you.

Gandalf: Well yes, if you would like, you could stand in front of me if you would like.

Balrog: I will not permit diminutive beings like you bring me to an untimely demise. I am the high and mighty BALROG!

[cue music to play Greensleeves as Legolas rolls eyes.]

Gandalf: YOU MINOT PASS…I MEAN MAY NOT…mutters watching too much Star Wars…getting to my brain /mutter

{Balrog pushes Gandalf to edge of GGB. Poke. Gandalf is clinging to railing by fingertips.}

Popcorn the Creepy Stalker Dude: This is like déjà vu with the London Bridge on the Thames.

Gandalf: FLY YOU FOOLS!

{Gandalf thrusts toothpick at Balrog. Balrog throws cream pie at Gandalf.}

END SCENE 20cene 21: Post-Moria

Cast: FotR+penguins-Gandalf

Props: Stuff

Popcorn: Aiyiyi! Does this ever end? [again]

Frodo: And I was just going to pay my credit card bill.

Legolas: No, Gandalf said it wouldn't. He's never been wrong before.

Sam: Can we get froyo now?

Legolas (in exasperated English accent): We just lost the leader of our group and you want froyo?

Popcorn: I think that is what modern society calls…comfort eating, ja?

Sam: Froyo! {races off}

{Sam comes back w/ huge carton of froyo}

Popcorn: Sigh

{They trek onward (sullenly through the falling snow)}

END SCENE 21S

Scene 22:

Cast: FotR-Gandalf+Penguins+Celeborn+Galadriel+Haldier

Props:

{Cue Gimli to breathe as if hyperventilating.}

{Cue others to be really really really loud.}

Legolas (to Boromir): C'mon, can you get any slower?

{Boromir is reading newspaper while walking}

Boromir: The gossip column says these woods are cursed…that this random evil sorceress from the Elvin chapter of the CIA lives here. She's a mole or something. The people who go in these woods don't come out.

Popcorn: I'm not surprised with modern society being so bloody stupid.

Gimli: Too true! But they probably won't pick us up on radar…

Legolas: Um…they're …how do I say this? They're the techs for the CIA.

{Suddenly, the FotR is surrounded by arrows}

Haldir: The dwarf breathes so loudly, we coulda shot him blindfolded with our ears and hands bound.

Frodo: How do you bind your ears?

Popcorn: What the heck Frodo! They're elves! And techies. They've been here forever! Don't question their wisdom.

Frodo: Ohhhhhhh…no. I don't get it.

Legolas: Peace peeps. {Goes into hippie mode}

FotR: LEGOLAS!

Legolas [at Haldir: We are just weary travelers. We come in peace from the planet Earth. Take us to your leader.

Galadriel {offstage}: You have no need. I am Galadriel

END SCENE 22

SCENE [whatever number it is, I forgot{Correction, Scene 23}]: Greeting Strangers from Afar

Cast: Celeborn, Galadriel, other peeps

[Fanfare]

Frodo: What's the fanfare for? Are we going to meet a king or queen? I've always wanted to meet royalty!

Legolas [flatly/exasperated]: No, we're going to meet the Lady and Lord of the Woods.

Frodo: Are they hippies?

Legolas [has a look of Oh MY FREAKING GOSH on his face/looks like he's about to strangle Frodo to death]: No. They're CIA agents with crazy high clearance.

Frodo: That doesn't mean they aren't hippies.

Legolas: [MURDERS FRODO, JK]

Celeborn: Greetings stangers from afar.

Frodo: Do I bow?

Rest of FotR: NO!

Celeborn: You have arrived in time for our hour of expressive sound

Frodo [whispers extremely loudly]: Do they both talk like old hippie shamans?

Galadriel: Excusez moi?

Frodo: Um. Uh. Um. Uh. Sorry?

Celeborn: Anyways, we're going to…SING!

[LOTS OF SINGING]

END SCENE [see above]

SCENE [whatever this is{correction, Scene 24}]: The Gandalf Theory

Cast: Peeps

Frodo: Hey, you know how Gandalf dived off the SF bridge?

Sam: Yeah…

Frodo: Well where is he?

Pippin: He died.

Celeborn: Yep.

Galadriel: Hey! I have this awesome mirror.

Frodo: I WANT TO SEE! I WANT TO SEE!

Galadriel: I was talking to Merry, but whatevs.

[Galadriel hands Frodo mirror/basin thingamajig]

[Sam steals it]

Sam: I WANT TO SEE TOO!

Frodo: I asked first.

[Sam looks in Mirror.]

[in prophetic voice] Sam: The Shire is in ruins…The Great Tree of Partiness is being sawed down to create skewers for the Kabob company…[back to normal voice] AWESOME! The mayor finally decided to modernize. There's skyscrapers and stuff!

[Frodo steals it back]

Frodo: My turn. I spy with my little eyes…an eye?

Frodo: AHHHH! IT'S THE EYE!

[Everybody laughs.]

[Galadriel has conversation with Merry about rings.]

[crepuscular [sorry I had to type that randomly]]

Frodo: I have this happy face ring, do you want it?

Galadriel: Ooh, it's so cute, but nah, I have let's see…fifty seven, fifty eight, nine hundred million, four hundred five thousand, and sixty five point five of them.

[Insert time skip.]

[Galadriel comes out with Halloween mask.]

[Frodo freaks.]

Frodo: TAKE THE RING! [runs frantically around in circles, flailing his arms]

[Galadriel removes mask.]

Galadriel: I just love to do that to new agents, they're so gullible. Anyways, since you're such a fool, don't use the ring, you might completely obliterate the human population, or even worse, turn everybody's clothes into horrible colors that clash.

END SCENE [whatever number it is.]

Scene: [I have no idea{Correction: 25}]

Cast: Peeps

Celeborn: I CAN'T STAND YOU PEOPLE ANYMORE!

Galadriel: Don't mind him, someone spilled V8 on his best suit.

Popcorn: I hate it when that happens.

Galadriel: But it is time for you to leave. We have a stealth boat with submarine for you in the river. And because you've all been good…

Celeborn: GOOD? THE IDIOT [*{BRITISH}BEEP*] SPILLED V8 ON MY BEST SUIT!

Galadriel: you get free stuff from the gift shop. Let's see…the CIA has given you each this saltine cracker cake bread thingy infused with Gatorade-like stuff…It's patent-pending and was created by the CIA scientists. Popcorn, you get this ALL-NEW CUSTOMIZED TOOTHPICK HOLDER ™. That way you don't "accidentally" kill someone.

Popcorn: As if.

Galadriel: Let's see…Boromir and Pippin…you've been upgraded to black belts. And Frodo, you've been upgraded to white belt.

[Celeborn has calmed down after having some tea {REAL tea, not Lipton}]

Celeborn: Legolas, a new Harry Potter Lego set has arrived. As the tide carries the driftwood, and the MacBook bears the , would you take the Lego set?

Legolas: THAT WOULD BE AWESOME!

Galadriel: So Merry, you get this awesome belt designed by moi. C'est magnifique, non?

[Yes, all the elves have random accents/language things. It is ALL PART OF THEIR COVER. So Galadriel's French. Legolas=English, Celeborn=Old English hippie/shaman/medicine man.{Arwen (as if): German, b/c I was bored one day and started writing this story e=where she kills P...long story, never mind}]

Galadriel: The CIA issued you guys a CIA survival kit with rope.

Sam: YAY!

[awkward silence]

Galadriel: And Sam gets a box of chocolates and a jellybean…Legolas gets this bow and a quiver of arrows. So…yep, that's all, non? So aur revoir!

Gimli: What about ME?

Legolas: Who cares about YOU?

Gimli: HEY!

Celeborn: Like the rabbit changes coats for the winter, the octopus changes appearance for its background, you will change with this disguise kit. It will completely camouflage your appearance. If you make use of it correctly, the closest of friends will only merely be able to speculate who you are.

Gimli: Cool.

Galadriel: Oh yeah, Frodo, you get a piece of glowing green cheese from the moon.

Frodo: SEE? I told you the moon was made of green cheese.

[Lots o' singin']

END SCENE [whatever number this is{Correction: 25}]

SCENE [{whatever number it is, I forgot{23}}+ 3{So it's scene 26}]: Frodo acts like an idiot [for the nth time]

Cast: Peeps

Props: Stuff

Frodo: I'm going to go play in the submarine!

[Frodo runs off]

Legolas: What? No!

[Legolas sighs and follows him]

{Frodo completely and utterly stereotypically messes up}

[Frodo bumps into ON button.]

[Frodo goes off in submarine with other peeps.]

Legolas: Hey Aragorn, just FYI, Frodo and the other peeps just went off in a submarine.

Popcorn: WHAT THE BLOODY HECK? When I see him again, I am going to FREAKIN' [excuse the language] kill him to death, yes I know that's tautological, but I don't care what Elrond says, I AM GOING TO KILL HIM!

Legolas: You'll have to find him first.

Popcorn: BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP BLEEPITY BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP!

Legolas: LANGUAGE?

Popcorn: Robot.

Legolas: Oh, so it wasn't used to replace words that should not be used in front of little children.

[appalled] Popcorn: Of course not.

END SCENE [{whatever number it is, I forgot{23}} + 3{=26}]

SCENE 27: Boromir's Last Game

Cast: Frodo+Boromir+various others

Props:

[Boromir rushes in.]

[Frodo is watching something.]

Boromir: Hey Frodo, could I borrow the ring?

Frodo: NO!

Boromir: Please?

Frodo:NO!

Boromir: But I need it for a second!

Frodo: NO! Now go away. I'm trying to watch my cheese of the month show. And why the heck would you need a happy face ring?

Boromir: We're playing this game of Rooti Tooti and I need a happy face ring, it's worth fifty points!

Frodo: GO AWAY!

Boromir: Okay. Sheesh.

[Frodo continues watching his "Cheese of the Month" show.]

END SCENE

Scene:28

Props: Toothpicks, Nerf gun, random kayak (or other), Merry and Pippin's specialized toothpicks

Cast: Popcorn the Creepy Stalker Dude, Legolas, Gimli, Boromir, dead Mafia [Not exactly possible, but whatevs]

[Popcorn the Creepy Stalker Dude, Legolas and Gimli randomly walking along sidewalk]

Popcorn (skipping{yes, SKIPPING!}): I feel pretty! Oh so pretty! I feel pretty, and witty, and-

Legolas: …and the time I broke the world record for most Lego scultpures built in ten seconds…

Gimli: SHUT UP! BOTH OF YOU! You realize that everyone in Sand Francisco has probably heard you by now!

Popcorn: Ahem, let me continue: …and witty, and-

Gimli: Did you hear anything I said?

Popcorn: Of course…you said um…something about something…umm…

Legolas: I made 20 billion sets and counting…

Gimli: Okay, guys, pull it together. We have to cross the street soon, and I don't want you guys to get run over by a car…actually, I do, with all your incessant talking about Legos and poetic singing.

Popcorn: Running? I'm awesome at running!

Gimli: Let's cross.

[They cross. Boromir crosses right as the light turns yellow, and is hit by a car. {sucker} The trio hears his scream and turn around. [rest of cars are honking]]

Gimli: *gasp* That's Mr. Bromere {purposely spelled that way}, CEO of Middle Earth Construction, Inc.!

Popcorn: Well, let's not just stand here! Come on! [pulls everyone over to where Boromir is lying, and drags Boromir to the side of the road]

Gimli: Looks like he's dead…

Legolas: Yup! Dead as a Lego doorknob.

Popcorn: I didn't realize they made those?

Legolas: Only in the Special Edition version of the 1996 version of-

Gimli: Quiet down guys! We need a place to put the body!

Popcorn: Ooh! Ooh! I have an idea! What about over the Golden Gate Bridge [points at bridge]?

Gimli: Sounds like a plan! Let's go!

[all run offstage, penguins go across stage with timeskip sign]

[return panting and out of breath]

Gimli: Man…I thought cargo ships…didn't go so slow…

Popcorn: Let's hope…that boat…wasn't full of my favorite…mac 'n' cheese…wouldn't want it to…be contaminated…

Gimli: We…should continue on now…

[Legolas strolls back, apparently not the least bit tired.]

[Makes face]

Legolas: Gosh…that guy…ewwww…

Gimli: We should probably go now.

Popcorn: Okay.

Legolas: Hey, did I ever tell you about the time…

Popcorn (continues skipping): I'm pretty….

Gimli: And it couldn't have been them…

[Penguins arrive on scene. Pretend to be reporters.]

Legato: This is Legato on the scene. And it seems like Boromir died, and got thrown over the bridge, and contaminated a cargo ship full of…wait…wait…Popcorn's favorite mac 'n' cheese? Legato here, signing off.

END SCENE

SCENE 29...: In which we go wandering around and threaten to slap each other, but nothing really happens...

Props: Several bags, business card, Smelling Salts labeled Orange scent, toothpicks...

Cast: P, L (le annoying), G, dead Mafia...

PCSD: This one is Sam's. He keeps his froyo frequent buyer cards on it...

Legolas: I wonder why they left their toothpicks here...

Gimli: *gasp* I think the mafia has been here. They left their business cards. [picks up business card] "Mafia Inc., Assassination, etc. Since 941 B.C."

P: Well, let's keep going. We don't want to stay here if they come back.

G: Sounds like a plan!

[time lapse: two hours later]

[all side of road to eat]

L (in between bites): I think... I see some people... Down the road...

G: Maybe we should ask for directions. And, oh, gross {pretends to vomit}, don't talk with your mouth full!

P: Perhaps we should go and SEE them.

G: Let's do this!

[all walk over to random bodies]

G and P (in unison): CALM DOWN, THEY'RE DEAD!

[L faints]

P: I have the Smelling Salts! He uses... Orange scent.

G: Give it here... [walks over to L, puts under L's nose]

L: Oooh.. Happy dancing rainbows with poofy cotton candy!

P: He sure is awake... [said somewhat sarcastically]

[G is now examining the bodies intently, pulls out random card from pocket]

G: Hey guys, come over here!

P: What is it?

L: *grunts*

G: It looks like these guys came from South Florida...

[P pulls out card, too]

P: No, it looks like they came from Texas.

G: But look, there's only 3 chain links around the hammer [points to business card].

P: Well that means Texas.

G: You must have a bad decoder.

P (offended): Ummm... No! I got this just before we set off... It's the latest version.

G: But I printed mine off the website at my house!

P: You KNOW you can't trust the internet!

L (groggily): Come on, guys, stop arguing. We need to keep moving if we're going to get anywhere!

G: I guess he's right... But I still think they came from south Florida.

P: Just keep moving, will you?

G: Okay, okay...

[further down the path]

L (randomly):

Follow the black asphalt road

Follow the black asphalt road

Follow, follow, follow, follow

Follow the black asphalt road

Follow the black asphalt, Follow the black asphalt,

Follow the black asphalt road

We're off to destroy the One Ring, The horrible One Ring of awfulness.  
You'll find it is a horrible Ring! If ever a bad Ring there was.  
If ever oh ever a Ring there was the One Ring will destroy it because,  
Because, because, because, because, because.  
Because of the bad things it does.  
We're off to destroy the One Ring. The Horrible One Ring of Awfulness.

P+G: LEGOLAS, SHUT UP!

L: That wasn't very nice!

P: Well, it's true...

P {whispering to G}: _I think the smelling salts did their job a leetle (little) to well, don't'cha think?_

G: _Yep!_

{At this, point, C, who has been listening to _The Outsiders_ for way to long, starts thinking very violent thoughts, therefore, this may get physical. JK! [I hope...]}

{L brings up hand as if to slap P and G, then sets it down...}

P: Uhhh, ppl, can we drop it?

L: Okay, sure...

END SCENE

Scene 30: In which we are chewed out by some guy on a horse...

Props: Stuff (my brain is too fried to think of anything particular, hence the rather obscure title)

Cast: P,L,G, Éomer (the guy on the horse...), others

L: When you said you were gonna drag us around looking for the students, I didn't think you were gonna force us to run without breaks...

P: C'mon, you _are_ the elf...

L: WTH!

P: I said...

L: There's a big group on horses coming towards us...

G: UHOH!

{All duck down}

{Riders come up to where they are}

{Rider w/ big helmet w/ fancy decoration comes up to them...}

R+P {together}: I SHOULDA KNOWN!

P: Éomer?

R/E: Popcornius?

P: Don't call me that...

L+G {unison}: Uhh, Popcorn, would you mind introducing these ppl?

P:Well, _this_ (points to E) is the guy who teased me all of grade school! IDK who the rest are.

G: You went to grade school?

Arwen {pops up randomly}: Natürlich nicht! Nun, das war, wenn Sie eine Schule ging für alle 12 Klassen. Also, nein, er nicht, aber das war b / c wir waren ein K-12.

{Of course not! Well, that was when you went to one school for all 12 grades. So, no, he didn't, but that was b/c we were at a K-12th.}

{See, I told you A spoke German. Thanks to Google Translator for doing the translating)

G: What the H*c* (I know it's not swearing, but whatevs...)

A: Ja, man könnte diese beiden wirklich es manchmal ... Es war einfach schrecklich zu sehen!

{Yes, those two could really have it out sometimes...It was simply _awful_ to watch!}

G: Does anyone know _what_ in Durin's name she is talking about?

A: To sum up, they really hate each other! Oh, und nicht auf diese beleidigende Sprache!

{Oh, and don't use such insulting language!}

{ Ein verschwindet [A disappears]}

L: I understood what she was saying perfectly...

Everyone 'cept L: THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU TRANSLATE?

L: Somethings sind besser geheim gehalten.

{Somethings are better kept secret.}

Everyone except L: *sigh*

{A phone rings with 'the Jet's theme' from West Side Story}

{Éomer answers and talks for a while}

E: Well, according to the king of Rohan, we're supposed to let you guys go...with horses!

P: Uhhhm...thanks...

E: And w/o busted heads...

P: Thanks!

E: You might not be so lucky next time...

P: Oh, and BTW, have you seen two college students?

E: Well, we burned a bunch of Mafia last night. They coulda escaped into the forest.

P: Okalee Dokalee

{Horses are handed to P,L,G}

{They ride off}

()()  
(^.^){bunny rides across their path!}

END SZENE MIT PFERDEN {end scene w/ horses}

Scene: Uhhh, something...my brain is still fried...

Cast: Merry, Pippin, Treebeard, Mafia

Props: Toothpicks, Nerf™ Guns, Random Paraphanalia that is crucial to the scene but that my fried brain can't identify...

Opening Scene: Chaos

Merry: OMG! I almost got an arrow through me!

P:Tell me about it! Now, how do we get the ropes off?

{Ax falls and embeds itself blade up in dirt}

P:Look! We can cut the ropes there!

{They cut the ropes}

Mechanical Voice:Warning:Prisoners Escaping, Warning:Prisoners Escaping!

P {bored}: Jeesh, you sound like my mother! Hey, Merry, can you get that off?

M: I'm already on it!

{M hacks into Mafia's computer system}

{Voice shuts off}

P: Thanks.

M: Let's GO, you_ dummkopf_ {stupid-head}

{They start to run towards the forest}

{Giant Mafia jumps out at them}

P: M, can you...

M: On it!

{M starts typing code in}

Mafia: Didn't think you would see me, did you?

P: Uhh...

Mafia: **Now**, Dóna'm aquest anell! {Give me that ring, Catalan}

DISCLAIMER: THE FOLLOWING SCENES ARE EXTREMELY CHAOTIC, HECTIC AND CONFUSING. WE ASSUME NO RESPONSIBILITY OF ANY HEADACHES, MIGRAINES, OR OTHER PHYSICAL OR MENTAL ISSUES CAUSED BY THE FOLLOWING SCENES.

Acronyms

TTT/2T/TT~ The Two Towers

RoR~ Riders of Rohan

S&H~ shipping and handling

WTH~ What the heck

ASAP~ As soon as possible

CIA~ Central Intelligence Agency

DA~ District attorney/Dunedain Association

Backronyms

ORCS~ Other random creepy stalkers

CIA~ Crazy Institute of Awesomeness

Shorthand

Wifi~ Wireless Fidelity

Prez/pres/pres.~ president

Scene [? M's doing TTT]: Into Minas Tirith where a lot of confusion happened. {Extremely chaotic, hectic, and full of confusion}

Cast: Gandalf and Pippin

[Gandalf and Pippin in car]

[Pippin turns map around.]

Pippin: Um…which ways North?

Gandalf: That ways [Gandalf points North]

Pippin: Um…what about on the map.

Gandalf: Look at the compass rose.

[Pippin turns map around, refolds it, etc.]

Pippin (lightbulb): AHA! I was looking at the wrong map.

Gandalf: WTH?

Pippin: Are we almost there yet?

Gandalf: We'll get there at dawn.

[Insert Time Skip]

Gandalf: It's Minas Tirith.

Pippin: Okay…ooh…pretty rainbows. Popcor…

Gandalf: Don't say Popcorn here, actually, try not to talk here.

[They arrive in front of Denethor]

Denethor: Hey, it's the skateboard dude.

Pippin: Um…

Denethor: Where's Boromir?

Pippin: He kind of fell over the Golden Gate Bridge.

Denethor: WHAT?

Pippin: Er…Popcorn, Legolas, and Gimli kind of pushed him over, he got run over by a car.

Denethor: Great. I told him to look both ways before crossing.

[Gandalf and Denethor have a random staring contest.]

Pippin: ?

[Denethor blinks.]

Pippin: Gandalf won!

Denethor: Stupid power-hungry manipulator.

Gandalf: Excuse me?

Denethor: I will rule alone until the prez returns.

Gandalf: Sheesh, I was just trying to help.

Pippin: Hey Denethor, do you want my toothpick?

Denethor: Okay…? But those who offer me toothpicks must join the Guard.

Pippin: Er. Okay.

[Pippin and Gandalf leave.]

Pippin: What was that all about?

Gandalf: Denethor's old, so he's sort of cuckoo. He can also read minds. I also suspect he's a mole, so be careful.

Pippin: Uh…

Gandalf: If you see a guy called Faramir, tell him to come here ASAP.

Pippin: Wha…?

Gandalf: Any questions?

Pippin: Er.

Gandalf: No? Okay I'm off to the news stand and a meeting.

Pippin: [confused] [sarcastically]: He made a lot of sense.

END SCENE

Scene [?]: Enguarde!

Cast: Pippin, Beregond, Bergil

[Pippin playing on his laptop or iPod touch]

Pippin: Anyone here have the wifi password?

Beregond (uses toothpick like a foil): EN GUARDE!

Pippin:?

Beregond (places toothpick back in sheath): Yeah, it's asterisk asterisk asterisk asterisk asterisk asterisk.

Pippin: Thanks.

Beregond: No problem.

Pippin: Actually, I think someone's trying to hack through the firewalls.

Beregond: Uh oh…

[Mafia flies overhead.]

Beregond: OH SHNAPPPERDOODLES. Hey Skater dude, go to the gate, there's a guy called Bergil there.

Pippin: Okay…mutter This place is chaotic /mutter

Bergil: Hello!

Pippin: Hello.

[Imrahil enters with another person.]

Imrahil: We're the reinforcements.

Bergil: That's all?

Imrahil: Yep.

[Mafia attacks and infiltrates the city, they stick signs everywhere that say : "the orcs were here" [Ominous music plays]

[The beginning of Phantom of the Opera .com/watch?v=Ej1zMxbhOO0] [.?ppn=MN0087409#]]

Scene [?].5:

Gandalf: Tomorrow there will be no dawn.

Pippin: Yeah right, and I'll turn into a jaguar.

Gandalf: The Darkness has begun.

Pippin: Why can't you old people ever speak normally?

Gandalf: It's not us "old" people, it's you young people.

END SCENE

SCENE [?]: Greyco. [not to be confused w/ geico]

Cast: Aragorn, RoR, Theoden, Gimli, Legolas, Merry

Popcorn: We should take the long way to Minas Tirith, because there's a dock somewhere around here, where I can find out if the mac & cheese got contaminated or not.

Legolas: You know, they just made this Free Dobby Lego set, it comes w/ Lucius Malfoy, Lego sock, a Harry Potter, some random spiders, flames, and Tom Riddle's Diary…It's $10.99 + s&h {Yes, it actually is, I looked it up}

Gimli: SHUT UP!

Merry: CHOCOLATE!

[Dunedain appear {all wearing gray}]

Merry: Guys have absolutely NO fashion sense, I mean seriously, like who would want to wear grey?

Popcorn: Shut up {note that Popcorn should wear gray in this scene}

Merry: Hmph.

Elladan: Hello. We have come to aid…

Elrohir: You on your journey.

Elladan: The ones in Rivendell told us to tell you…

Elrohir: If thou art in haste, remember the Paths of the Dead.

[Insert Time skip]

[Merry randomly gives Theoden her toothpick.]

Theoden: What the…?

Merry: It's taking up valuable space in my luggage, I totally need more room for all my nail polish.

Theoden: Okay…

Legolas: …but the Atlantis Lego set isn't entirely accurate…wait where's Popcorn?

Gimli: Personally, I'm happy he's gone.

Legolas: Whatever, but according to the CIA, Atlantis…

Theoden: We have to find him or else we'll get in big trouble with Sector 835-C.

Legolas: Who cares.

Theoden: He's the president of the Dunedain Association.

Legolas: …was actually completely…

[Popcorn rushes back]

Theoden: There you are…

Legolas: WOULD YOU LET ME FINISH?

Gimli: Um, No.

Legolas: Fine, suit yourself.

{Legolas stews in internal fury. JK}

Gimli: Thank you.

Popcorn: There's trouble…

Gimli: All I ask for is one minute of peace. ONE MINUTE. Is that too much to ask?

Penguins: Yep. It's impossible to get more than five seconds of peace around here.

Neryl: According to my calculation, current chaos levels are at maximum levels.

Popcorn: We won't be able to get there on time…unless we take the Paths of the Dead {dun dun dun}

Legato: But no living person can travel along the Paths of the Dead {dun dun dun}

Popcorn: Well I can, because I'm the heir of Elendil…whatever that means.

Theoden: Well I'm going to take the safer path. My GPS says there's a safer way if we go east through some mountains to Edoras.

Popcorn: BTW, I also just happened to accidentally inform Sauron {the Moron} that I'm Isildur's heir. Now he's probably going to attack sooner than thought.

Legolas (bored): You should contact the CIA about that you know.

Popcorn: Good point.

Theoden: Well…we should go.

[Theoden and RoR depart]

END SCENE

SCENE [?]: The King and Company

Props: stuff

Cast: see scene + random peeps

Popcorn: Well that's that. We've made it out of there alive.

Random Peep 1: Hey look it's the God of Death.

Legolas: I thought that was Thanatos?

Legato: Only in Greece though.

Random Peep 2: No, he's the _King_ of the _Dead_.

Legolas: No, that's Hades…I think.

Legato: Only in Greece.

[Insert Time Skip]

[add cast: other random peeps]

Other Random Peeps: Hey, it's what's his face.

Popcorn: Popcorn.

Other Random Peeps: Oh yeah. Popcorn. The CIA said we got transferred and you're our manager now.

Popcorn (sarcastically): Great.

Other Random Peeps: Yeah. So we're supposed to have this party…and you're supposed to unfurl this banner-flag thingy.

Popcorn: Okay…

[popcorn unfurls flag, etc. etc.]

[Other random peeps + king + company stand around for awhile]

Popcorn: Well…I'm off.

[Popcorn and company leave]

Other Random Peep 1: So now we're assigned to what's-his-face…

Other Random Peep 2: I think his name was…popcorn?

Other Random Peep 3: I thought it was Aragorn, that's what it says on his CIA profile.

Random Peep 4: No, it's Quentin {ya, I know}

[End scene with Other Random Peeps arguing over what's-his-face's name]

SCENE [?]: The Mustard of Rohan {where we find out for some unfathomable reason, the people of Rohan seem to like mustard…a lot}

Cast: Theoden, Eowyn, RoR and others.

Props: Stuff

Eowyn: Hello.

Theoden: Hello.

Eowyn: Why the heck are you here?

Theoden: Because the GPS said so…but the GPS said there was an ice cream store here…you know, the only one that sells mustard flavored ice cream…but apparently it was completely and utterly wrong.

Eowyn: Well I guess you'll have to stay here. But don't worry we have plenty of mustard to spare.

Theoden: YAY!

SCENE [?].5: Merry talks to Theoden

Merry: WTH? I just got a text that said I'm assigned to Theoden as his…squire? WTH? That's like, totally impossible since, we like, have a democracy, no king, no knights, no squires? And even if we did, isn't it like, boys only?

Theoden: Not this again…I told him not to…why doesn't anybody ever listen?

Merry: I am totally not going to be your squire.

Theoden: I'll call the CIA.

[Merry starts hacking]

Merry: No need, I've just hacked into the CIA and removed myself from squire status.

Theoden: Well…okay. BTW, do you think Popcorn'll survive the Paths of the Dead {dun dun dun}

Merry: Personally, I hope not.

[Boromir's doppelganger arrives]

Boromir's doppelganger: The USSS told me to deliver this red arrow thing. I presume it's from circa 1200?

Theoden: It's the red arrow! Only sent in dire circumstances.

Merry: Hey since when were you a king?

Theoden: What the heck? I'm going to go talk to the guy in charge of the status's soon. (back to Boromir's doppleganger): so...I guess I'll send out about 6,000 people to Minas Tirith…

[Penguins enter]

Penguins: Ooh. IT'S THE ARROW!

Neryl: According to my calculations, that arrow is…from circa September 1415.

Fermata: Where's Popcorn?

Legato: He took the Paths of the Dead.

Fermata: Oh.

Theoden: So why are you here? Aren't you supposed to be following Popcorn around?

Legato: We do not "follow" Popcorn around. We merely stay within annoying ranges. But once in a while, we tire of annoying Popcorn, so we take a break.

Theoden: Oh.

[other peoples of Rohan hath eaten all the food]

Theoden: So back to dinner…no mustard left? Whatever, guess I'll just have to make do with caviar. Yuck.

SCENE [?]: And back to Pippin

Cast: Pippin + Gandalf + other peeps.

Props: stuff

Pippin: Look! I found this awesome falcon outside.

Gandalf: Okay…?

Pippin: I'm gonna name it…name it…name it…Perry!

Gandalf: You'll be lucky if it doesn't peck out your eyes.

Pippin: No way! I'm majoring in Falcons & Skateboarding.

Gandalf: I was unaware they had a Falcons & Skateboarding class…?

Pippin: Well now you know. BTW why is it STILL so dark outside?

Gandalf: I told you, there wouldn't be dawn today. The weather guy said it would be extremely cloudy today…and for once he was actually right.

Pippin: OMG. The weather guy was right?

Gandalf: Yeah. Crazy.

Pippin: Well I'm off to the Tower.

Gandalf: And I'm going to the movie theaters…

Pippin: Have fun.

[both leave]

END SCENE

SCENE [?] {9]: The Siege [dun dun dun] or not

Cast: Pippin + Denethor, Beregond, Gandalf, and others

Props: Stuff [I don't really know yet]

Pippin: Do I get an initiation ceremony?

Denethor: Nope, we stopped that tradition back in the '90's, waste of time.

Pippin: Okay.

Beregond: OMG! Is that a falcon?

Pippin: Yeah.

Beregond: AWESOME!

Pippin: Okay…

Beregond: What's his name?

[etc. etc. etc.]

Pippin: Is that the Nazguls attacking?

Beregond: Huh? Um. I think so.

Pippin: Should we do something?

Beregond: IDK.

[Faramir texts SOS to Tower.]

Random person: We just got a distress signal from Faramir. He's about 100 ft away and getting attacked by five Nazguls.

[Gandalf has already rushed off to save Faramir.]

[Gandalf comes back with Faramir]

[Insert Time Skip]

SCENE 9.5:

Faramir: What's with random hobbit people appearing in my life?

Pippin: You've met other hobbits?

Faramir: Let's see…about two days ago I met this froyo loving hobbit called Sam and this idiot named Frodo.

Gandalf: Where are they?

Faramir: I think they were going to go along Cirith Ungol Dr. to Mordor.

Gandalf: Don't they know that's enemy territory?

Faramir: Apparently not.

Denethor: Do you have the ring?

Faramir: Of course not, no smart person would want to be caught dead with that ridiculous thing.

Denethor: WHAT? I bet Boromir would have gotten it. He would have given it to me as a just-because gift.

Faramir (whispers) : Don't worry, he has OCD, so he is randomly obsessed with the Ring.

Pippin: Why would we worry about a happy-face-ring obsessed meglomaniac?

Faramir: My point exactly.

Gandalf: Even if Boromir had gotten the ring, he would have given it to himself as a "just-because" gift.

Denethor: BUT I MUST HAVE THE RING!

[People exit as Denethor goes through crazy mode]

END SCENE

SCENE 10: Stereotypical Battle Strategy Planning Session

Cast: Peeps

Props: Stuff [yes, I know, extremely vague]

[Gandalf, Pippin, Denethor, Faramir, and various others seated around a table. On the table is a model of the city.]

Gandalf: So, if the Enemy strikes here, we should have the armies over here, and backup over here. Position the archers here, the bombs here, and the grenades over there. But if the Enemy came from over there, then we should position half the archers over by that rock, and the people who know the Wuxi Finger Hold {from Kungfu Panda} over by this rock, keep the cleaning crew over here. Wouldn't want blood staining everything…

Pippin: Uh…

Gandalf: and then…

Pippin: Why is this necessary?

Gandalf: The Nazgul are how you say, owning? us.

Pippin: Um, okay. But you should know that I'm not understanding a single thing.

Gandalf: Well you don't really need to know the details.

[Later…]

Gandalf: But the people over there could get trampled…blah blah blah…right?

Faramir: yeah… (whispers to Pippin) I think… I have absolutely no idea what he's talking about.

Pippin: Join the club. I have a lifetime membership in the Not Understanding What Gandalf Just Said Club.

Faramir: You know when I saw Frodo and Sam, they were with this random blue person named Gollum…I think Gollum was an actor in the movie Avatar or something…?

Pippin: Isn't that kind of dangerous?

Gandalf: …positioned by the- what? What's dangerous?

Pippin: Frodo and Sam are traveling with a stranger.

Gandalf: Who?

Pippin: Gollum.

Gandalf: Um. I guess. Heard of this "Gollum" person somewhere…I'll look through the CIA archive. Anyways, everyone's dismissed.

END SCENE

SCENE [?]: Hysterics, Chaos, and basically…heck

Cast: peeps

Props: Stufficles

[Gandalf returns from war]

Gandalf (to Pippin): My car got destroyed. Again.

[Gandalf phones CIA]

Hello.

[pause while other end says something inaudible]

No. Just- yeah.

[PWOESSI]

WHAT?

[PWOESSI]

No, of course. I understand. How about a [current year + 1] White Stealth Hybrid?

[PWOESSI]

10,000? That's a lot of mileage…

[PWOESSI]

The only white one?

[PWOESSI]

I guess. Whatever. Send it over.

[hangs up]

Pippin: Wait. Again?

Gandalf: Yeah, again. That's why I switch cars so much.

Pippin: Oh…

Gandalf: Where's Denethor?

Pippin: Somewhere…

[they find Denethor in the Hall of Kings]

Denethor (maniacally): BWAHAHAHAHA!

Faramir (delirious): Flying cantaloupes! THE END IS NEAR! I SHALL NEVER JOIN THE DARK SIDE!

Denethor: But only if you knew the power of the Dark Side. Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father.

Faramir: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!

Denethor: No. I am your father.

Faramir: No…that's not true! That's impossible!

Denethor: Search your feelings. You known it to be true.

Faramir: NOOOOOOO! NOOOOO!

Denethor: It's completely true. It says on your birth certificate.

Faramir: Good point. (goes back to being delirious) Ooh pretty rainbow.

Denethor: (goes back to being a crazy maniac) AND NOW I WILL DESTROY YOU!

Gandalf: Er. Uhm. Please excuse me.

{Gandalf is found later playing with a Legos set.}

Pippin: WTH am I going to do with two crazy people?

[Beregond enters]

Beregond: Not again…don't worry. This happens all the time when Faramir has the flu.

Pippin: Okay. Well I'm going to find Gandalf.

END SCENE

SCENE [?]: The Vertically Challenged

Cast: Merry & RoR

Props: Stuff

Merry: Hmph. Why am I here again?

Theoden: Eowyn insisted for some reason.

Merry: Great. I'll probably ruin my nails.

Theoden: Whatever, you're of no use. You're so short to be of any help.

Merry: EXCUSEZ MOI? I am not _short_ as you so kindly put it. I am vertically challenged.

Theoden: Whatever you say.

[insert time skip]

Merry: EWWW! It's a dead guy!

Theoden: What?

Merry: EW EW EW EW EW.

Theoden: That's the messenger person. If he's dead…then Minas Tirith has no idea we're arriving.

Merry: Don't they, like, have a secretary or something?

Theoden: Contact Minas Tirith.

Merry: Who? Me? What am I? Like your personal servant? I'm removed from squire status, remember?

Theoden: But you're the only hacker in this area.

Merry: Fine whatever. But if typing ruins my nails, I personally get to kill you.

END SCENE with Merry hacking.

SCENE [?]: The finding of Gandalf

Cast: Gandalf & RoR & Pippin & Perry & Lord of Nazguls

Props: Stuff

Pippin: There you are!

Gandalf: What? Can't stand those two.

Pippin: Um okay. But I think the bad guys are about to attack.

Perry: (in a parrot-like fashion) bad guys attack bad guys attack battering ram battering ram

[voices heard outside]

Voice I: Where's the battering ram?

Voice II: It's here sir. I mean. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Shnap. I think I left it at home.

Voice II: Sorry.

Voice I: SIR!

Voice II: Sorry sir.

Voice III: But the battering ram makes such a cool entrance.

Voice I: Silence fools. Then I shall have to knock.

Voice III: But you haven't knocked since we found the battering ram at that garage sale.

Voice I: _sir._

Voice III: No need to call me sir.

Voice I: SILENCE!

[knocking is heard]

[Gandalf answers the door]

Gandalf: Good day sir.

Voice I: SEE? This guy has such good manners. Pity I should have to kill him.

Gandalf: Hey, it's you. The guy who never paid his bills.

[Voice I is actually LoN]

LoN: I NEVER used my credit card.

Gandalf: Good point. Still. There's maintenance fees and stuff.

LoN: I prefer to steal everything instead.

Gandalf: So…when do we start fighting?

LoN: Um.

[Bell rings]

LoN: Saved by the bell.

[PA announces]: THE RIDERS OF ROHAN HAVE ARRIVED. REPEAT THE RIDERS OF ROHAN HAVE ARRIVED.

Random WAM Member: Yuch! The intercom...

END SCENE

SCENE [?]: Oopsie-daisies

Cast: Most people

Props: Stuff

[Nazgul accidentally pokes Theoden.]

Nazgul: Oopsi-daisies. Incredibly…sorry…sir [Theoden falls over and dies as he speaks. ]

[Most people flee.]

Dernhelm: (to LoN) I CHALLENGE YOU!

Merry: Pshaw. As if any _guy_ could kill him.

[Dernhelm removes disguise]

Merry: OMGZICCLES! It's Eowyn. She designed half of the CIA's black-tie wardrobe.

Eowyn: I SHALL KILL YOU!

[pokes LoN's hoverboard]

LoN: YOU SHORTCIRCUITED IT! You know how much hoverboard's cost? They haven't even been released to the public yet! Not for at least 50 years or so.

Eowyn: Whatever. Not like you bought it.

LoN: I did too! With my allowance and my birthday money.

[LoN shoves Eowyn]

Eowyn: OW! You broke my arm.

[Merry pokes LoN from behind]

LoN: Hey, no fair. Two on one.

[Eowyn pokes LoN with her toothpick.]

[LoN collapses.]

[Eowyn mock faints.]

[Eomer walks over.]

Eomer: Yipee! He's dead! And my sister too. Do you have any idea how annoying she was?

Merry: Like shouldn't you be fighting or something?

Eomer: Ooh. I love fights. [goes off and defeats enemy easily]

Eomer: So let's clean up the place. Don't want to be sued for damages, collateral or otherwise. So dead people go over there, injured over there. Etc. etc.

Merry: But, like what about your sister?

Eomer: She's faking it. She does that all the time.

[Enemy arrives again. ]

Eomer: Not again! This time we will be defeated, for I had no time to drink Gatorade. My last surge of hyper-activity has gone. This is hopeless.

Merry: So, like, this is totally not a good time to tell you these stealth submarines are like about to attack.

Eomer: Nope. Not a good time. Tell me about that later.

Merry: Um okay…

Eomer: So off to war…again…without Gatorade.

[War starts again]

END SCENE

SCENE [?]: The King and others arrive, defeat the bad guys, and return to the city.

Cast: The King and others, bad guys

Props: City [JK]

Popcorn: So…

Legolas: [still mad]

Popcorn: BTW, where are those annoying penguins?

Gimli: IDK…

Popcorn: So, what's the plan?

Gimli: According to Disney™, you arrive, defeat the bad guys, and marry the princess.

Popcorn: EW. Why would I marry a princess. And where would we find one?

Gimli: That's what it says in the Disney-fied fairy tales.

Popcorn: So off to war…

Legolas: Aren't you supposed to have your toothpick?

Popcorn: What? No! The toothpick is an antique! You can't use it in actual _war_.

Legolas: Seriously? If you had told me that sooner, I would've thrown it into the compost bin ages ago. And I thought you could actually use it…

Gimli: He's right. Isn't that the point of Anduril?

Popcorn: Shut up. Fine I'll use it. But that is so going to make it's value drop on Antique Roadshow.

Legolas: Darn. IT would've made good fertilizer for the poison ivy that covers the back wall of the CIA HQ.

Popcorn: Let's try that again then… So off to war…

Gimli: CHARGE!

[Popcorn & others defeat the evil peeps.]

Popcorn: Now to the city.

Gimli: Yep.

[They go off to the city.]

END SCENE

SCENE [?]: And back to Pippin…again

Cast: Pippin and others

Props: Stufficles

Gandalf: Stupid war.

Pippin: So you're going to go to war?

Perry: WAR WAR WAR!

Gandalf: Nope. We have to cure Faramir.

Pippin: Why?

Perry: WHY WHY WHY!

Gandalf: _because._

Pippin: Okay…

Gandalf: So I'll call the CIA. You find Faramir.

Pippin: Um okay.

Perry: So where's Faramir?

Pippin: Somewhere with Denethor…acting out Star Wars scenes or something.

[Later…]

Pippin: [on phone]

I found Denethor and Faramir!

[Gandalf: Okay]

So what should I do?

[Gandalf: Just wait. Where are you?]

In the hall.

[Gandalf okay. Be there in a sec.]

Faramir: You be in play?

Pippin: Um sure.

Denethor: Hmm. That face you make. Look I so old to young eyes.

Pippin: YES! You are a crazy old maniac!

Faramir: That be not in script. You say No…of course not.

Pippin: Okay. No…of course not.

Denethor: I do, yes, I do! Sick have I become. Old and weak. When nine hundred years old you reach, look as good you will not. Hmm?

Pippin: You're NINE HUNDRED?

Faramir: He nine hundred be not. In script it says so.

Pippin: Wait… now I'm confused. Which one of you is Yoda?

Faramir: In the script that be not. The script, follow you must!

Pippin: Okay. Okay.

Denethor: Soon will I rest. Yes, forever sleep. Earned it, I have.

Pippin: King Denethor, you can't die.

Denethor: Good point. I won't. I'll kill him instead. [points at Faramir]

Pippin: NO!

[Gandalf enters.]

Gandalf: Well Faramir, let's go.

Denethor: NO! I MUST SACRIFICE HIM IN MY PLACE!

Gandalf: Come now Faramir [speaks as if to little puppy]

[Faramir follows Gandalf out.]

Denethor: NO!

[Denethor suicides.]

END SCENE

{BTW, if you are on Mac, press Ctrl+Command+Alt+8}}

SCENE [?] {Don't worry, I'll actually put in the Cast, Scene #, and props soon, just don't fell like it right now}

Cast: {Later}

Props: {Later}

Beregond: So we should take him to the House of Healing.

Gandalf: Yeah, 'cause I don't think the local hospitals are going to know about this poison…it's still classified.

Pippin: Wait, Faramir was poisoned? I thought he just had the flu.

Gandalf: He got poisoned.

PA: THE LORD OF THE NAZGUL HAS FALLEN. REPEAT, THE LORD OF THE NAzGUL HAS FALLEN.

[Sun randomly appears.]

Pippin: So the weather guy was only partially right.

Gandalf: Right now, the "weather guy" is the least of our concerns.

Pippin: Sorry, but what was with Denethor?

Gandalf: I suspect he has a _palantir_. There's only seven known ones in the entire world. He probably used it too much and Sauron somehow hacked into it and corrupted him.

Pippin: So the _palantir _thingy is kind of like an addictive drug thingy?

Gandalf: Sort of. It's a crystal ball.

Pippin: Okay…how do you hack into a crystal ball?

Gandalf: Let's go.

[Beregond and Gandalf exit]

SCENE [?]: Back to Merry

Cast:

Props:

[Merry wanders into the city]

[She runs into Pippin]

Merry: Like, watch where you're going.

Pippin: Ew. Your arm is really messed up.

Merry: [offended]

Pippin: You should go to the Houses of Healing.

Merry: Okay…and where is that?

Pippin: Somewhere over there.

[Pippin and Merry exit.]

END SCENE

SCENE [?]: To Aragorn

Cast: Aragorn, Eomer, Imrahil,

Props: Banner

Popcorn: Set up the tents.

[Popcorn furls his banner]

Popcorn: And I'll just wait outside the gates until the Lord lets me enter.

Imrahil: Uh…haven't you heard? He suicided.

Popcorn: Um. Well. Then. You can be leader of Gondor for the present.

Eomer: But isn't Gandalf managing this war?

Popcorn: Yes. I guess.

Imrahil: This is making my head hurt.

[_Ping_]

Popcorn: Wait, let me get that.

PtCSD-

Enter the city. Disguise yourself as a random Natn'l Park Ranger if needed.

-G

Popcorn: Gandalf said for me to go into the city. Disguised.

END SCENE

SCENE [?]: Popcorn has a medical degree? What?

Cast:

Props:

Nurse: We need a real doctor to cure you peoples.

Merry: Wait…wha…? You don't, like, have real doctors here? What kind of hospital is this?

Nurse: Um. Excuse me. [rushes off]

[Popcorn enters.]

Popcorn: I have a medical degree!

Merry: Like, yeah right.

Popcorn: Everybody in here is suffering from lack of sugar.

Faramir: Okay…?

Popcorn: I prescribe everyone five chocolate chip cookies.

[Hands out chocolate chip cookies.]

[Everyone miraculously recovers.]

END SCENE

SCENE [?]:

Cast: Merry, Pippin, Legolas, Gimli, etc.

Props:

Gimli: There you peoples are! We've been looking all over.

Legolas: Finally, someone who actually _appreciates_ my Lego expertise.

Merry: Er… So, like how was the trip through Paths of the Dead? Was it, like totally creepy?

Gimli: That's top secret. I think level 10 clearance or something.

Legolas: Whatevs to security. So Popcorn led us and the army of the Dead to the Great River, Anduin. Sauron's people blocked thousands of our agents from reaching Minas Tirith. Then Popcorn was: NO! NO ONE SHALL DEFY ME! So he called the legion of the Dead and the people's jumped overboard. Popcorn released the Dead, gathered the Lamedon peeps, and set sail for Minas Tirith. Crazy stuff. Mostly, it was boring, so I built this awesome model of the Holey Cheez Whiz Shrine…etc. etc.

END SCENE

S

C

P

Popcorn: So…

Gandalf: We have a problem. Mordor has a secret weapon.

Popcorn: Really?

Gandalf: Well…no. But this is only the beginning. The next attack will be much stronger.

Popcorn: That's not good news.

Gandalf: Indeed it isn't.

Popcorn: What's our plan?

Gandalf: We don't have one…yet. Also, the Ring is inside the borders of Mordor. I think the Ring has a tracking device in it, if Sauron finds the signal, and steals it…we lose. Big time.

Popcorn: That's not good. Do we have any good news?

Gandalf: I don't think so. But I have a plan. We can attack the Black Gate.

Popcorn: That's your plan?

Gandalf: The Ring is partially tied to Mordor. We can't destroy Mordor without also destroying the Ring.

Popcorn: Great. I absolutely HATE that ring. Stupid little green happy face.

Gandalf: We have to keep the Eye of Sauron away from Frodo.

Popcorn: I'm all for killing that idiot.

Captain person: Yet he is the bearer of the ring. No way can we kill him.

Gandalf: And using reverse psychology, Sauron will believe that Popcorn has taken the Ring.

Popcorn: ME? NEVER!

Gandalf: My point exactly. However, the attack may be fatal.

Popcorn: It's our best chance though…

Captain peoples: Okay. All who agree with the plan say "aye"

Everyone: Aye

Gandalf: Meeting adjourned.

END SCENE

S  
C  
P

Gandalf: So who's going into the field?

Pippin: ME! PICK ME!

Merry: No way am I going to ruin my nails.

Popcorn: I guess I have to.

Gandalf: So basically everyone except Merry?

Everyone: Yep.

Gandalf: So move out.

[Time Skip]

Pippin: Anybody find it weird that there's nobody has attacked us yet.

Gandalf: Yes…

Pippin: This is kind of creepily easy.

Gandalf (instructs others): When we approach Mordor, play the fanfare and announce the King of Gondor has arrived.

Various Others: Okay…

[Time Skip]

[fanfare]

Person w/ megaphone: THE KING OF GONDOR HAS ARRIVED!

[silence]

Gandalf: Okay…find a hotel and get some sleep then.

END SCENE

SCENE: Attack of the ORCS [again]

[ORCS attack]

END SCENE, JK.

Popcorn: Stop in the name of the king.

[ORCS stop]

Orc: OMGziccles it's the Creepy Stalker Dude! Troops retreat.

[Nazguls go by]

[Time skip]

Younger agents: This is creepy. And slightly boring.

Popcorn: whatevs peoples. You can leave.

[some peeps leave]

SCENE:  
P  
CASt

Popcorn: Ew. This place is seriously gross. Anyways, you peeps can go on this hill, and you other peeps can go on that hill.

[Gandalf and Popcorn and other representatives of the different CIA branches go on towards Morannon.]

Popcorn: YOU MUST SURRENDER NOW!...Um. BECAUSE I SAID SO!

[awkward silence]

Lieutenant: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You think you can make _me_ surrender? Never! I have the little Hobbit spy dude you sent me…so you must listen to _me._

Gandalf: Okay, on what terms?

Lieutenant: That you won't attack Mordor, pay tribute to Mordor, oh, and take your annoying little Hobbit hostage.

Gandalf: Heck no! I don't want the annoying "little Hobbit spy dude"!

Lieutenant: I'll throw in a million dollars. I HATE the little Hobbit dude, he's annoying me beyond anything imaginable. I'm out of here.

[Lieutenant retreats]

Gandalf: Erm.

[Random peoples attack]

[Troll pokes Beregond]

[Pippin pokes troll]

[Troll falls on Pippin]

Pippin: Bye bye world…

Randomly shouted: THE EAGLES ARE COMING!

END SCENE with a lot of chaos

SCENE: Back to Sam

Cast:

Props:

Sam: Hm. I really should go rescue Frodo.

[Pulls on locked doors]

Sam: Locked {he seems to like stating the obvious}.

[Sam takes out the Ring and puts it on randomly.]

Sam: Hmpph.

[Takes off the ring.]

Sam: I should go off to the gate.

[Sam goes off to the gate]

Watchers: Hey! You! You're not supposed to be here!

Sam: Um, by any chance, do you have any froyo?

Watchers: NO! Go away! Don't you see the Keep Out and Beware of the Dog signs?

Sam: Oh. Hm. I know! I'll randomly take out the thing Galadriel gave me!

[Takes out the thing and random light makes Watchers blinded.]

[Sam goes in gate]

[Sam sees random dead orcs all over the place.]

Sam: EW. EW. Ew.

[Random undead orc appears]

Orc: OMG! It's the Great Grey Shadow brandishing the Elf Blade!

[Orc runs off]

Sam: I'm an elf warrior! No, I'm THE elf-warrior. [sings this in sing-song voice and bounces around]

[They go upstairs]

Snaga the orc: There's this Elf-warrior thingy downstairs.

Shagrat the Orc: Go downstairs

Snaga: NO WAY!

Shagrat: NOW!

[Snaga runs off]

Shagrat: Um.

[Sam bursts into the room]

Shagrat: AH! THE RING!

Sam: LALALALALALALA! I'm the great elf-warrior! LALALALALALALALALALA! LALALA!

Snaga: SHUT UP!

[Sam finds Snaga, they fight, etc.]

END SCENE

Sam: Hiyas Frodo!

Frodo: Hallo Sam.

Sam: Look! I saved the Ring!

Frodo: YAYZ!

Sam: So-

Frodo: GIVE ME THE RING NOW! YOU THIEF!

Sam: Okay…not that I really wanted it in the first place.

Frodo: GIVE IT!

[Sam gives crazy Frodo the Ring]

Frodo: Now let's get out of here.

Sam: Okay, let's get some disguises!

[They disguise themselves in orc gear, etc. etc.]

END SCENE

SCENE: Yadda yadda yadda

Show some montage of Frodo and Sam walking

END SCENE

Frodo: GAH! It's the EYE! SAURON THE MORON IS GIVING ME THE EVIL EYE!

Sam: Erm. You're freaking out. I'm going to call your therapist.

Frodo: NO! Not the therapist!

[They continue on]

[Gollum appears, Frodo and Gollum fight, Gollum leaves.]

Frodo: THE RING IS MINE! I SHALL NEVER THROW IT AwAY!

Sam: I'm going to call your therapist. [takes out phone] snap, no reception

[Frodo puts on the Ring and vanishes]

[Gollum appears once more and seals the ring]

[Gollum falls over cliff, dies]

END SCENE

[Show a huge amount of montage to en this whole thing]

YAYS! WE'VE FINISHED THE WHOLE SCRIPT! YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY!

**Si****nging Scene**

[Penguin #1 is pulling red wagon and humming.]

Penguin #2: Can I ride your wagon?

[Penguin #1 stops.]  
Penguin #1: NO!  
[Penguin #1 continues.]

Penguin #2: Please!

You can't ride in my little red wagon!

(backup singers): you can't ride in my little red wagon!

The front wheel's broken and the axle's draggin

(backup singers): the front wheel's...

Chugga

(bs): chugga

Chugga chugga chugga

(bs): chugga x3

[Neryl says this in the middle of the song]

Neryl: According to my calculations, the wagon can hold 17 more  
kilograms of weight.

And popcorn says: shut up idiots!

[Penguins #1 and #2 ignore Penguin #3 and continue arguing.]

**Penguin and Gandalf Scene**

[Penguins preparing duplicating machine.]  
Neryl: Press...NO!  
[Too late, Penguins #1 & #2 have already pressed the duplicating  
button]  
[Box shakes and shudders, Gandalf walks out.]

Gandalf: It was cramped in there.

Penguin #2: You're not a penguin. You seem to be Gandalf

Gandalf: ?

Penguin #1: He might be a penguin in disguise.

[Neryl scribbles and calculates.]

Neryl: According to my calculations he is Gandalf.

Penguin #2: Yipee! I was correct [randomly says pocorn]

Penguin #1: Obviously

**GPS scene**

Penguin #1: Where are we?

Penguin #2: Popcorn!

Popcorn the Creepy Stalker Dude: We're…

Neryl: According to my calculations, [takes out GPS and calculates] we're 317.5 miles from our destination

Penguin #1: You mean I dragged my little red wagon here for no reasom?

Penguin #2: Popcorn!

Popcorn the Creepy Stalker Dude: … uh….

[Penguins mob Popcorn the Creepy Stalker Dude.]

The Next Day…

[PENGUINS _parade across stage with sign that says The Next Day… and then the _PENGUIN _at the end of the line hurries back on stage and flips the calendar page and rushes off stage again.]_

**Penguin Dance Party**

Props: Disco ball, boombox

Neryl: ACCORDING TO MY CALCULATIONS, IT IS OVER 150 DB {note that 150 dB is equal to a metal concert and may cause severe damage or deafness} IN HERE! I'M LEAVING

[Neryl exits]

[Music changes to the pi song]

[Neryl comes back in]

Neryl: 3.…

Penguins: THAT'S NOT THE PI SONG!

**Rubber Fish Scene**

[PENGUINS _are bored and are tossing a rubber fish around_.]

Fermata: Catch!

[NERYL _accidentally swallows it_.]

Neryl: According to my taste buds, that was NOT a fish.

Legato: YOU JUST ATE OUR ENTIRE FISH COLLECTION!

Neryl: According to my calculations, we only had one fish.

Legato: That's the point, now we have no fish collection.

Fermata: Awww…

SCENE ∞: Frodo has some problems with HTML

Cast: Frodo, Gandalf

Props: CPU, table, chair

Frodo (CPU):

html

head

titleFrodo's Place/title/head

body bgcolor=SkyBlue

marqueefont size="7" color="LimeGreen"Frodo's Place/font/marquee

font size="4" color=blackFrodo is awesomeness…

br

Frodo is in possession of the RING!

br

He is AWESOME that way!

script="holoimage 678.986"activate="10min" res="1.8.89" l="49" w="36" h="78" action="spin"

/script

/body

/html

[Clicks on filesave asFrodo's webclass . Saves on desktop. Double- clicks link. Opens. Holo image appears of ring. Suddenly, cpu screen shatters.]

Frodo: beep beepity *beep* (expletives)

END SCENE ∞

Songs:

_I'll Make a Spy Out of You_ (_I'll Make a Man out of You_, _Mulan_)

Let's get down to business  
To destroy the Ring  
Did they send me monkeys  
when I asked for none?  
You're the clumsiest people I have ever met  
But you can bet, before we're through,  
Agents, I'll make a spy out of you

Deadlier than a poison  
but as peaceful as a dove  
Once you clear level 9  
You will finally understand  
You're a group of stereotypes  
And you haven't got a clue  
Somehow, I'll make a spy out of you

I'm never gone clear level 5  
Say adios to those who failed me  
Boy was I a fool in school  
for quitting math  
This guy's got 'em freaking out  
Hope he doesn't notice I dropped the ring  
Now I really wish I hadn't signed up for this

(Popcorn)  
He is as fast as a diving falcon  
(Aragorn)  
With all the skills of an immortal stalker  
(Dunedain)  
With all the force of stampeding hippos  
Creepier than Gollum the slave of the ring

Wraiths are racing toward us,  
'til they're upon us  
Repair the great toothpick,  
It'll save our lives  
You're failing every mission  
So clear out, be gone  
you've failed  
How could I make a spy out of you?

(Popcorn)  
He is as fast as a diving falcon  
(Aragorn)  
With all the skills of an immortal stalker  
(Dunedain)  
With all the force of stampeding hippos  
Creepier than Gollum the slave of the ring

(Popcorn)  
He is as fast as a diving falcon  
(Aragorn)  
With all the skills of an immortal stalker  
(Dunedain)  
With all the force of stampeding hippos  
Creepier than Gollum the slave of the ring

{note: last verse is said more than sung}

_, Adapted from _Colors of the Wind_

You think I'm the random one,

and you've seen so many people

I guess it must be true

but still I cannot see

if the random one is me

If you sent me so many monkeys in the mail...

In the mail...

You think you are the best spy in the world

Clearance is just something you can boast

But I know every hidden thing and shadow

Has a side, has a secret, has a name

You think the only agents who are agents

Are the agents who are always dressed in black

But if you look past appearance and sunglasses

You'll see things you never saw you never saw

Have you ever spied on a secret conference?

Or asked Popcorn Dunedain why he stalks?

Can you be a ninja better than before?

Can you spy with all the stealthiness within?

Can you spy with all the stealthiness within?

Come fight crazy stalkers everywhere

Come chase the Mafia right back to their door

Come spy on servants of the Dark Lord

And for once, never wonder who they really are

The spies and the good ones are my friends  
The Dark Lord in Mordor my foe

And we are all stal-watching each other,

in a circle, in a hoop that never ends

What is the highest level of clearance?

If you always brag, then you'll never know

And you'll never spy on a secret conference

For whether we are crazy or normal

You need to be a better ninja than before

You need to stalk with all the stealthiness within

You can stalk and spy and all you'll ever do is fail

Until you can spy with all the stealthiness within

_Follow the Black Asphalt Road_ (_Follow the Yellow Brick Road_, _The Wizard of Oz_)

Follow the black asphalt road

Follow the black asphalt road

Follow, follow, follow, follow

Follow the black asphalt road

Follow the black asphalt, Follow the black asphalt,

Follow the black asphalt road

We're off to destroy the One Ring, The horrible One Ring of awfulness.  
You'll find it is a horrible Ring! If ever a bad Ring there was.  
If ever oh ever a Ring there was the One Ring will destroy it because,  
Because, because, because, because, because.  
Because of the bad things it does.  
We're off to destroy the One Ring. The Horrible One Ring of Awfulness.


End file.
